IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Mobile phones and the internet bring a lot of benefits to people nowadays. However, older people use them the least. In what aspects do mobile phones and the internet benefit older people? How can we encourage them to use these technologies?

With the rapid development of technology, our daily
becomes
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
 more convenient these days, especially
the
Change preposition
with the
show examples
 invention of cellphones and
Use synonyms
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
.
Although
Linking Words
elderlies
Fix the agreement mistake
the elderly
show examples
use
Use synonyms
 them the least, they still have several advantages. And there are several ways
c
Change preposition
apply
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an motivate them to
use
Use synonyms
 these modern tools. With the mobile phones and the
internet
Use synonyms
, older people can track their health status at
anytime
Use the right word
any time
show examples
.
Such
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 as
those
Correct determiner usage
apply
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patients with diabetes, it is good for them to monitor
there
Use the right word
their
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 blood sugar every
hours
Fix the agreement mistake
hour
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it can prevent some tragedies
happened
Wrong verb form
from happening
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. If an old grandpa who
live
Correct subject-verb agreement
lives
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 alone
fall
Correct subject-verb agreement
falls
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 down in his bathroom. He may
struggled
Verb problem
have struggled
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 to
asked
Wrong verb form
ask
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 for help, but he can be rescued by others easily
with
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by
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 calling 911.
Besides
Linking Words
, he can
also
Linking Words
chats
Correct subject-verb agreement
chat
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 and
gets
Correct subject-verb agreement
get
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 in touch with his son and daughter, which can reduce his loneliness. There are several ways to encourage these seniors to
use
Use synonyms
 the tools.
Linking Words
Firstly
Punctuation problem
Firstly,
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 governments can cut the prices of the phones and
internet
Use synonyms
package
Fix the agreement mistake
packages
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. These can make
them
Correct pronoun usage
it
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 easier to buy those new technologies.
Linking Words
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
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 families should be more patient
to teach
Change preposition
in teaching
show examples
these
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
elderlies
Replace the word
elderly
show examples
 how to operate
cellphone
Fix the agreement mistake
cellphones
show examples
 and
Use synonyms
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
. Since old people might be used to
live
Wrong verb form
living
show examples
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
there
Use the right word
their
show examples
 own pace, it is hard for them to get familiar with these new fancy technologies in the short term, which might
let
Verb problem
make
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 them feel frustrated and exclude the tools.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
e
Check wording
apply
show examples
 teaching them step-by-step is essential and suitable. In conclusion, mobile phones and the
internet
Use synonyms
 bring a bunch of advantages. But it is not simple for older people to
use
Use synonyms
. So we have to teach them with love and patience, to let them become familiar with those technologies as soon as possible. Make their life safer and more convenient.

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structure
Make a plan for the writing. Start with a short intro, then two parts on how phones help and how to teach them, then a short end.
grammar
Use simple words. Check grammar and spelling so dull forms are not seen.
content
Add 1-2 small examples for each idea to show how it helps.
content
The essay notes health tracking and kept touch as main good effects.
idea
It shows ideas to help elders with price cuts and step-by-step teaching.
relevance
It links safety with use of the tech in an emergency.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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