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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

the bar chart shows the online sales of smartphones, laptops and tablets in the first quarter of the year.

the bar chart shows the online sales of smartphones, laptops and tablets in the first quarter of the year.
The bar chart
compare
Correct subject-verb agreement
compares
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 the internet
sales
Use synonyms
 in three devices (laptops,
tablets
Use synonyms
, and
smartphones
Use synonyms
) in the first four months of the year. The units are measured in millions.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
smartphones
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphone
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sales
Use synonyms
 increased throughout the period given. Another noticeable point is that
Use synonyms
smartphones
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphone
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 devices recorded the highest revenue in January and in April.
By contrast
Linking Words
,
tablets
Use synonyms
 experienced the
least
Correct word choice
lowest
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 rate by
end
Correct article usage
the end
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 of the period. In January, the amount of
laptops
Fix the agreement mistake
laptop
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sales
Use synonyms
 was almost 50
million
Use synonyms
, the highest among all groups, followed by
tablets
Use synonyms
 at 30
million
Use synonyms
 and
then
Linking Words
laptops
Fix the agreement mistake
laptop
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 devices
only
Change preposition
at only
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 20
million
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 figure dropped significantly by February and March,
around
Change preposition
to around
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 35
million
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 and 25
million
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respectively
Punctuation problem
, respectively
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. By the end of the period, the average amount of revenue went up again to 50
million
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the
Use synonyms
tablets
Fix the agreement mistake
tablet
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sales
Use synonyms
 escalated to over 60
million
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
;
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this
Linking Words
 amount remained unchanged by next month, and reached
to
Change preposition
apply
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just under 30
million
Use synonyms
 in April. 40
million
Use synonyms
 of
sales
Use synonyms
 accounted
to
Change preposition
for
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smartphones
Use synonyms
 in February and April,
whereas
Linking Words
peeking
Use the right word
peaking
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 slightly over 70
million
Use synonyms
 in March.

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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 70%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words sales, tablets, smartphones, million with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 3 times.
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