IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some people believe that it is the best to encourage children to have a healthy diet at school while others believe that parents should be the ones to teach children to have a healthy diet discuss both views and give your own opinion

There is a debate over who is responsible for encouraging
children
Use synonyms
 to follow
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
diet
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.
While
Linking Words
 some
saying to take
Wrong verb form
say taking
show examples
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
diet
Use synonyms
 at
school
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 is the best option for
children
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, others
arguing
Wrong verb form
argue
show examples
 that it is primarily the role of
parents
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 to teach
children
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 how to maintain a healthy
diet
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.I believe that
parents
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 should be more responsible
to teach
Change preposition
in teaching
show examples
 their
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children
Punctuation problem
children,
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 as
children
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 are more present in front of their
parents
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.
Schools
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 are perfectly positioned to encourage healthy eating habits as part of their broader educational mission.
Mostly
Use the right word
Most
show examples
children
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 spend a large portion of their day at
school
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.
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School
Fix the agreement mistake
Schools
show examples
 should promote breaks
which
Change preposition
during which
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 can spend their
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
to follow
Wrong verb form
following
show examples
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
diet
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 it is
crusial
Correct your spelling
crucial
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
to remove junk food
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
Linking Words
instead
Punctuation problem
instead,
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 salads , vegetable options and
this
Linking Words
 sort of
nutritional
Correct word choice
nutritious
show examples
meals should be offered
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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this
Linking Words
 environment helps to build
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
diet
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the
children
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 should be controlled
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
under the supervision of their teachers. When it comes to
parents
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,
parents
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 play
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 important role in
upbiringing
Correct your spelling
upbringing
 and
children
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 spend their
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
 in front of their
parents
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.It is a fact that every
Use synonyms
children
Fix the agreement mistake
child
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 crazy about eating chocolate and
snaces
Correct your spelling
snacks
, so
parents
Use synonyms
 should control what they are eating,
due to
Linking Words
 these
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of
snakes
Use the right word
snacks
show examples
 can
affect negatively
Correct word order
negatively affect
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for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their health and may cause tooth loss.If they regularly prepare wholesome meals and involve
children
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 in meal preparation, kids are more likely to develop these habits from a young age. In my opinion,
schools
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 are more responsible for their study
istead
Correct your spelling
instead
 of their healthy
diet
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. It does not mean that
schools
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 should
sold
Wrong verb form
sell
show examples
 the unfresh dishes, it means they should only focus on their studies , because
parents
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sends
Correct subject-verb agreement
send
show examples
 their
children
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 to get some knowledge. In conclusion, both
parents
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 and
schools
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 have important roles in promoting healthy eating. Every
spaces
Fix the agreement mistake
space
show examples
like
Punctuation problem
, like
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 home and
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school
Punctuation problem
school,
show examples
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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their
Fix the agreement mistake
its
show examples
 own responsibilities .
Parents
Use synonyms
 should be at the forefront of teaching healthy dietary habits, supported by the
school
Use synonyms
 system.

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structure
Make your plan clear. Put your view at the start and end in a short line. Then give two balanced parts, one for school and one for home.
coherence
Use clear links between ideas. Start a new idea with a word like 'also', 'but', or 'however'. Keep sentences short.
depth
Show your point in full. Explain why each idea matters and how it can help children. Do not just name ideas.
examples
Give more exact examples. For instance, how a class meal can be arranged or what foods are kept away from lunch time.
grammar
Keep words simple and correct. Watch spell and meaning so the reader can follow your view.
strength
The essay shows a clear view that parents should teach diet.
strength
You mention both places - home and school - which is good for balance.
strength
There are ideas about snacks and meals, and why they matter.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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