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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

advanthegs and disadvantages of paid work for children

There is no denying the fact that early
work
Use synonyms
 encourages
children
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 to gain life experience.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that it has many drawbacks on both
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation and societies, there is an argument that it has positive impacts on
children
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.
This
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 essay will
analyze
Change the spelling
analyse
show examples
 both the advantages and disadvantages of
this
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 trend. On one hand, working early has a pivotal role in
Use synonyms
children
Check wording
children's
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live
Replace the word
lives
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.
In other words
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, it contributes to building self-reliance and personality growth.
Moreover
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,
children
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 can get financial independence through paid
work
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and bring greater success in
the
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 future lives.
Thus
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, the government and all
labor
Change the spelling
labour
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 authorities should offer laws to protect
Use synonyms
children
Check wording
children's
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 rights.
On the contrary
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, family and school have a significant role
across
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
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 issue,
such
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 as
teach
Wrong verb form
teaching
show examples
 them about the benefits
for
Change preposition
of
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 paid
work
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.
For example
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, the childhood
work
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 system in China, which brings many advantages for the population and alleviates
households
Fix the agreement mistake
household
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 economic pressures
On the other hand
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,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
early working may cause some risks, especially among
children
Use synonyms
 and young adults. It is
also
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 possible to say that some social complications around the world are occurring
due to
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this
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 trend.
As a result
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, some
children
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 fell
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 drugs because
a
Change preposition
of a
show examples
lack of parental oversight.
Furthermore
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, the crime rates are increasing in some nations
due to
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 the spread of
children
Use synonyms
 everywhere, and they are willing to do anything to receive the money.
For instance
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, some violent cases happened in African countries against
children
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 who were embracing
this
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 idea. In conclusion, there are no easy answers for
this
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 question. On balance,
however
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, I tend to consider that the governments should provide all possibilities to protect
children
Use synonyms
.

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grammar
Fix basic grammar errors and word form (e.g., life vs lives, household vs households, fall into drugs).
structure
Make the plan clear: start with a short intro, a paragraph for pros, a paragraph for cons, and a conclusion.
content
Give more clear and strong examples. Explain how paid work helps or harms schooling, health, and life.
style
Keep language simple and steady; use plain words and short sentences.
strength
The essay shows an aim to cover both sides of an issue.
strength
There are attempts to give examples (China, Africa) to back points.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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