IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business and the academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some
people
Use synonyms
 support that the
information
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 should be spread widely in
scientific
Correct article usage
the scientific
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, business
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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academic world,
while
Linking Words
 others think that
they
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 should be limited
sharing
Change preposition
to sharing
show examples
as
Change preposition
due to
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 its significant importance or value. As for my perspective, I believe that not all
information
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 should be opened to
people
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, and the reasons will be thoroughly elaborated on as follows.
To begin
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 with, increasing
transparency
Correct article usage
the transparency
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 of
information
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 in important fields helps to solve global issues more efficiently.
For example
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, during the period of
Covid-19
Use the right word
COVID-19
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, if a company
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
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 found a vaccine that
can
Verb problem
apply
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cure the disease shared it with other countries, the pandemic would be controlled more quickly.
In addition
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, in general value, all of the
information
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 belongs to the members of the whole world, not a small portion of
people
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.
That is
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, everyone has their own
rights
Fix the agreement mistake
right
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 to access the
information
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 and benefit from it.
Thus
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, it is significant to open the knowledge to the public.
However
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, I believe that it is more beneficial for societies to transmit limited
information
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.
Initially
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, when a company's inventions, with commercial value, could be accessed by other competitors, they could produce similar products without effort to compete with them.
This
Linking Words
 would make the time and money devoted to inventing not valuable.
As a result
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, the company might stop creating new things
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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societies
are
Verb problem
will
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 not
able to be
Correct word order
be able to
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advanced
Wrong verb form
advance
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 and
improved
Wrong verb form
improve
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.
On the other hand
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, some data can lead to harmful effects for society. To be more specific, once some findings in chemistry are opened to
people
Use synonyms
, those who have detrimental
attempts
Check wording
intentions
show examples
 could use the
information
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 to manufacture weapons that can threaten
people
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's lives and security. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 there are some pros in sharing as much
information
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 as possible
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the world, I argue that some
information
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 has great profit and can benefit
people
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,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
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 it is
also
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 dangerous in certain cases
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
 the
information
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 should be spread carefully.

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Task response
The essay talks about both views and gives your own opinion. Improve depth by adding more clear reasons and link them to your main point.
Task response
Balance the two views more. Try to give equal space to both sides, not mostly one side.
Task response
Add more precise and varied examples from science, business, and academia to show your points.
Coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are long and hard to read. Break longer sentences into shorter ones.
Coherence and cohesion
Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence and use links to show how ideas fit. Check the flow between sentences.
Lexical resource
Use simple words from the top 100 in your writing. This helps clarity.
Task response
Clear position and a plan that fits the task.
Coherence and cohesion
Use of linking words to show order (To begin with, However, On the other hand, In conclusion).
Task response
Discussion of both sides plus a final view.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • information sharing
  • scientific research
  • business
  • academic world
  • advancement of knowledge
  • progress
  • collaboration
  • cross-disciplinary research
  • open access
  • democratization of information
  • transparency
  • credibility
  • intellectual property
  • security concerns
  • commercial interests
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