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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, people today are living longer than ever before. Why is this happening? What problems can it cause for society?

Nowadays
Punctuation problem
Nowadays,
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people
Use synonyms
 have a longer
life
Use synonyms
 span than those in
previous
Correct article usage
the previous
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 century.
This
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 increased
life
Use synonyms
 expectancy of
people
Use synonyms
 has several causes .
However
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, it
also
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 poses some problems in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society.
This
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 essay will
further
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 discuss the reasons and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
concerns related to
this
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 development. There are numerous factors that help individuals to live longer
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as improved lifestyle and better healthcare facilities.
People
Use synonyms
 these days are more aware of the importance of having a healthy way of living .
Linking Words
Consequently
Add a comma
Consequently,
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 they focus more on exercising regularly ,and eating meals that will not cause any harm to the body
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as less sugary and oily substances. These habits
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
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 in making immunity stronger and
body
Correct article usage
the body
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 more resistant to any bacteria and viruses . Improving
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overall
Correct article usage
the overall
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well -being
Use the right word
well-being
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 of humans, helping them to live
disease free
Use the right word
disease-free
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 for a longer period.
In addition
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 to that, Modern medicine has progressed to a great extent in
this
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 era
enabling
Punctuation problem
, enabling
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 less invasive and faster recovery options from serious
life
Use synonyms
-threatening diseases.
For example
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 , A recent study has found
cure
Correct article usage
a cure
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 for cancer
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 was a fatal disease
few
Correct article usage
a few
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 years back .
As a result
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, the death rates have declined in many countries.
Therefore
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 ,
people
Use synonyms
’s awareness towards leading a healthier
life
Use synonyms
 and advanced medicine has helped them to add years to their lives.
However
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 ,
this
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 change has
also
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 introduced some
concern
Fix the agreement mistake
concerns
show examples
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
Firstly
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 , increased scarcity of resources . As
people
Use synonyms
 are living
more
Rephrase
longer
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 than expected years, and growth in the number of
newborn
Fix the agreement mistake
newborns
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 leading to
increased
Correct article usage
an increased
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 population.
This
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 rise in population
further
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 increases
demand
Correct article usage
the demand
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of
Change preposition
for
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 essentials required for survival
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as water, light,
food
Correct word choice
and food
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which
Punctuation problem
, which
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 not in
same
Correct article usage
the same
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 proportion as
Use synonyms
people
Correct article usage
the people
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.
Additionally
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,
this
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 rising trend of improved
life
Use synonyms
 expectancy has affected
younger
Correct article usage
the younger
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 population. The freshers entering
job
Correct article usage
the job
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 market are struggling to find a job as senior staff
continues
Correct subject-verb agreement
continue
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 to work in their designated role.
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Therefore
Punctuation problem
Therefore,
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people
Use synonyms
 working under them are not promoted to upper management
position
Fix the agreement mistake
positions
show examples
Punctuation problem
,
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leaving no room for
recruitment
Correct article usage
the recruitment
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 of
entry level
Use the right word
entry-level
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 roles for new graduates.
For instance
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, many new young professionals take up jobs in a completely different sector or part-time roles
due to
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unavailability
Correct article usage
the unavailability
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 of work related to their domain. In conclusion,
human’s
Check wording
humans’
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focus towards leading a better lifestyle and progress in
healthcare
Correct article usage
the healthcare
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 system has enabled them to live for a long period of time .
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
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issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
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 resulting from
this
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 change
Punctuation problem
,
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such
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 as exhausting sources necessary for daily living and
lesser
Correct word choice
fewer
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 opportunities for young individuals
Punctuation problem
,
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cannot be neglected.

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task
State a clear main idea in the first line and keep to it
task
Give clear reasons with one good example for each. Keep ideas simple
coherence
Use topic sentences in each paragraph. Keep a logical order
grammar
Fix grammar and spelling. Check noun plural and verb form
vocabulary
Use common words. Do not use hard or rare words
content
Good try to cover both cause and effect
structure
The essay has a clear structure with intro, body and conclusion
content
Some clear examples are given to back points
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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