IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

The government should spend more money on promoting the healthy lifestyle than on treating illnesses. Do you agree or disagree

It is believed that more money ought to be spent on promoting a healthy
lifestyle
Use synonyms
 than on treating illnesses by the government. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 view
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 other factors should
also
Linking Words
 be considered,
nevertheless
Linking Words
. The main reason is that prevention is always better than a cure. When
population
Correct article usage
the population
show examples
 follow healthy habits
such
Linking Words
 as exercising, eating balanced meals, and avoiding smoking, they are less likely to suffer from chronic diseases.
For instance
Linking Words
, Japan promotes healthy eating and regular activity through public campaigns, and
as a result
Linking Words
, Japan’s
people
Use synonyms
 show a lower rate of illness than other countries.
However
Linking Words
, if it were not for promotion, many
people
Use synonyms
 would suffer from simple diseases.
Thus
Linking Words
, the government should spend more
pay
Check wording
apply
show examples
on a healthy
lifestyle
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, some
society
Fix the agreement mistake
societies
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 believe that spending more money on medical
cure
Use the right word
care
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 is more practical than promoting a healthy
lifestyle
Use synonyms
.
In other words
Linking Words
, modern medication can save their lives.
For example
Linking Words
, if there were enough instruments in hospitals or medicine,
this
Linking Words
 would help cure
people
Use synonyms
 easily.
As a consequence
Linking Words
, modern medicine can supply
people
Use synonyms
 with
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 life.
However
Linking Words
, if it were not for medicine,
people
Use synonyms
 would
find
Verb problem
have
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some
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
show examples
problems
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 treatment.
Therefore
Linking Words
, funding treatment can be essential
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
everywhere. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 spending more
fund
Fix the agreement mistake
funds
show examples
 on
hospitalization
Change the spelling
hospitalisation
show examples
 might be beneficial, promoting a healthy
lifestyle
Use synonyms
 can be a more effective way.

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content
Task response has a clear view, but the reasons are not built up well. Add stronger, more direct ideas and keep one idea per paragraph.
structure
Coherence and cohesion need clearer links. Use easy connect words and begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that shows the point you will talk about.
grammar
Grammar and word use need fixing. Avoid phrases that are not clear like 'pay on a healthy lifestyle' and 'everywhere'. Use simple grammar and common words.
examples
Use more real, exact examples with numbers or clear facts. This helps the point and makes the essay strong.
layout
Follow a simple layout: intro, 2 body parts, and a short wrap up. Each body part should have a main idea and a small link to the next part.
content
The writer shows a clear view on the topic.
content
There is at least one good example (Japan) used in the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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