IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Because of the rising cost of housing, many young people are increasingly being forced to live with their parents into their 30’s. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

It has been pointed out that there is a rise in the number of young individuals who still have to live with their
parents
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due to
Linking Words
 the increase in housing prices. In my opinion,
this
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 trend is causing a tremendous drawback to our
society
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, which surpasses the benefit in terms of personal emotional health. Despite the benefits below, young people still sharing a house with their
parents
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 has a significant drawback to
society
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. The reason is that when those who are in their thirties are unable to afford the soaring housing prices and have to live in a cramped apartment with their family members, they may feel frustrated and hopeless. When the frustration turns to anger, the old generations will be threatened,
thus
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 leading to disharmony in our
society
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.
For instance
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, a massive number of young individuals who are still living with their
parents
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 in Shanghai say that no matter how hard they try to work, they are unable to purchase their own apartments in Shanghai
due to
Linking Words
 the unbelievable housing prices, which is forcing them to still share the old and narrow house with their family members,
thus
Linking Words
 leading to them to resent towards
society
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. Admittedly, staying with old generations promotes emotional well-being.
This
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 is because living with
parents
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 allows young people to have more time to communicate with their loved ones, which enhances the quality of their interpersonal relationships and contributes to building a strong sense of belonging and connections,
thus
Linking Words
 bringing benefits to emotional health. As an illustration, several young workers in the top-level companies mention that when they feel exhausted and irritated
due to
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 their heavy workload, they always vent their negative emotions to their
parents
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, which is beneficial to their emotional conditions. In conclusion,
although
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 people may vary in their opinions about whether the downsides of sharing one house with
parents
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 outweigh the positive impacts, I am of the opinion that
this
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 circumstance causes repercussions to our
society
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, which exceed the minor emotional benefits.

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task response
Show one clear view in the essay and give a simple reason for it. Right now, the view shifts a bit. Make your main idea clear in the first paragraph.
task response
Add more ideas for both sides of the issue. Then say which side you think is stronger and why.
coherence
Use clear topic sentences at the start of each paragraph. Use simple linking words to show cause, effect, or contrast.
coherence
Link your ideas well. Do not repeat the same point. Use fewer long phrases and keep sentences simple.
evidence
Give more proof for your claim. Use one good example with a fact or number.
language
Watch grammar and word choice. Focus on small, easy words and phrases.
content
The essay has a clear idea and a stance.
structure
It includes an example about Shanghai to support a point.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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