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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The pie charts below give information on the ages of the populations of Oman and Spain in 2005 and projections for 2055.

The pie charts below give information on the ages of the populations of Oman and Spain in 2005 and projections for 2055.
The pie charts compare the percentages of
people
Use synonyms
 in different age groups in Oman and in Spain in 2005 and in 2055.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is expected that the
percentage
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 of
elder
Replace the word
elderly
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 increases
while
Linking Words
 the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of juveniles
decrease
Correct subject-verb agreement
decreases
show examples
 in Oman in 2055.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 it is predicted that the proportion of old
people
Use synonyms
falls
Wrong verb form
will fall
show examples
, the proportion of children and teenagers
grows
Wrong verb form
will grow
show examples
 in Spain in 2055. In Oman, the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
elder
Replace the word
elderly
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 comprised almost half of the whole population in 2005.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it is projected that the
portion
Use the right word
proportion
show examples
 of old
people
Use synonyms
increases
Wrong verb form
will increase
show examples
 to more than half
in
Change preposition
by
show examples
 2055. The
percentage
Use synonyms
 of young
people
Use synonyms
 and adults had the smallest slice with 4%.
In addition
Linking Words
, it is estimated that
this
Linking Words
 segment
grows
Wrong verb form
will grow
show examples
 slightly to 6% in 2055.
However
Linking Words
, the
section
Use synonyms
 of the age group between 0 and 14 is predicted that
this
Linking Words
 segment
decreases
Wrong verb form
decrease
show examples
 from 48% to 37% in 2055. In Spain, the
Use synonyms
section
Check wording
proportion
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 who are at least 60 years old was just above three-fifths in 2005. It is expected that
this
Linking Words
section
Use synonyms
plummets
Wrong verb form
will plummet
show examples
 to 46% in 2055. Meanwhile, the segment of children and teenagers was nearly 14% in 2005, and it is projected that
this
Linking Words
 portion
falls
Wrong verb form
will fall
show examples
 by 2% in 2055.
Conversely
Linking Words
, the portion of the age group of 15-59 years is predicted that
this
Linking Words
section
Use synonyms
increases
Wrong verb form
increase
show examples
 from 24% to almost double in 2055.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, percentage, section with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "falls" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increases" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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