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Band 6

some people think that children should be encouraged to play outdoor games that require physical activities instead of playing computer games at home. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #children #games #activities #computer #home
Along with
 the
development
 of technology, there are various
activities
 for
children
 arise which leads to the shifting from physical to digital
activities
. Arguments among the public regarding
this
 phenomenon are inevitable. Some people think that playing outdoor
games
 is better for
children
's
development
 compared to computer
games
, and others think
otherwise
. For some reason, I strongly agree with encouraging
children
 to have outdoor
activities
.
To begin
 with, active pastimes provide more benefits for
children
's
development
, in terms of biological and social
development
, compared to digital
activities
. In terms of biological
development
, doing
such
activities
 encourages them to use their body which prevents them from some health problems,
such
 as sight problems and scoliosis.
Additionally
, using their hands
while
 doing those
activities
 can
also
 practice their motoric sense.
Thus
, they can sense more of their
surrounding
Fix the agreement mistake
surroundings
show examples
 and
able
Add a missing verb
be able
show examples
 to appreciate
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life. In terms of social
development
, outdoor
games
 may
also
 improve
children
's social skills. It is because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 there are more real interactions among the
children
 so they will have more meaningful conversations. It is important since
children
 need to improve their linguistic ability and public speaking ability. Another reason is that physical
activities
 commonly require playing in groups.
For
this
 reason,
children
 can
also
 practice their leadership and collaboration skills which is crucial for their future. In conclusion, albeit old-fashioned, encouraging young people to play outdoor
games
 gives more opportunities for
children
's
development
 compared to digital
games
. The
development
 includes biological
development
 and social
development
 which are essential for their future life.
Submitted by serlyayus on

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task achievement
Be sure to directly address the question early in your essay to ensure a thorough response to the task. Specifically linking your argument to the task in your introduction helps to clarify your stance.
task achievement
To enrich your task response, include a wider range of specific examples. These can be from personal experiences, observations, or generalized knowledge, offering concrete evidence to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Maintain a logical sequence throughout your essay, but strive to enhance transitions between paragraphs for smoother flow. Consider using a variety of cohesive devices like synonymy, ellipsis, and transition phrases.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each main point is explicitly supported with relevant examples or explanations. Strengthen your argument by making these connections clearer to the reader.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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