IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, many schools find it profitable to sell unhealthy food and sugary drinks to students during lunch breaks. Is this a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Today, a lot of
schools
Use synonyms
 prefer to make
Use synonyms
profit
Correct article usage
a profit
show examples
 by selling
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 and sweet drinks during lunch breaks.
This
Linking Words
 is a negative development since it has a bad effect on their
students
Use synonyms
’
health
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
this
Linking Words
 essay will examine the reasons why we should be really concerned about
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 and sweet drinks.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 and sweet drinks have bad effects on
students
Use synonyms
'
health
Use synonyms
. Because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 that will make the student become lazy, obese, anxious, slow recall, and probably
diabetes
Verb problem
develop diabetes
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, many young people in my country aren't aware of their
health
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they don’t have
energy
Correct article usage
the energy
show examples
 to do anything like
workout
Use the right word
working out
show examples
, they choose to stay in bed, because of the habit of eating
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 in
schools
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, if
schools
Use synonyms
 want to increase the performance of their
students
Use synonyms
 and
make
Verb problem
keep
show examples
 them
stay
Verb problem
apply
show examples
fit, selling
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 is not a good option.
Secondly
Linking Words
, there is a way for
schools
Use synonyms
 to
get
Verb problem
make
show examples
 more
profit
Use synonyms
 by selling healthy
food
Use synonyms
.
Schools
Use synonyms
 can sell healthier options of
food
Use synonyms
.
Check wording
options.
show examples
For example
Linking Words
, fruit, vegetables, juice, and salad. By doing
this
Linking Words
,
schools
Use synonyms
 can still
get
Verb problem
make
show examples
 a
profit
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 giving benefits to the student
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as better immunity and good physical
health
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
,
schools
Use synonyms
 can get more
profit
Use synonyms
 when they have healthy
students
Use synonyms
, which means the student
health
Use synonyms
 allocation will decrease. In conclusion, it is negative for
schools
Use synonyms
 to make
Use synonyms
profit
Correct article usage
a profit
show examples
 from selling
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
, because many
students
Use synonyms
 will become
more lazy
Correct word choice
lazier
show examples
 and obese.
Besides
Linking Words
 that,
schools
Use synonyms
 can still make more money by selling healthy
food
Use synonyms
 like juice and salad.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

content
Add real examples and facts to back each point. Use simple facts from life to make a point stronger.
coherence
Use clear link words to show order and contrast, like 'First', 'Next', 'But', 'So' to help flow.
language
Check grammar and word form in every sentence. Fix things like 'Because, that will' and 'the student' vs 'students'.
structure
Try one main idea in each paragraph and finish with a small conclusion that restates your view.
linguistic
Keep words simple and short. Avoid long phrases and hard words.
structure
The essay has a clear view stated in the intro.
coherence
There is a basic plan with plan words 'First/Second/Conclusion'.
language
The writer uses simple words and short sentences.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: