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Writing Samples
Band 5

Individuals should provide for themselves when they retire, government should take care of its people. Describe both view then your opinion.

The relationship between
retirement
Use synonyms
 and the obligation of
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 to support them is a heated topic
that is
Linking Words
 frequently debated.
While
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 some contend that
individuals
Use synonyms
 should provide for themselves when they retire, others think that the
government
Use synonyms
 must take
care
Use synonyms
 of its
people
Use synonyms
.
This
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 essay will discuss both perspectives and present my opinion. On the one hand,
governments
Use synonyms
 have lots of other
more
Punctuation problem
, more
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 important responsibilities to focus on.
In other words
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, if those
Use synonyms
retirement
Replace the word
retired
show examples
individuals
Use synonyms
 are capable
to provide
Change preposition
of providing
show examples
 for themselves,
then
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 there is no need to involve the
government
Use synonyms
 in
such
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 a thing, as they have loads of other obligations towards many other
individuals
Use synonyms
 in society that in desperate need
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their
government
Use synonyms
's support.
For example
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, poor families, orphans, and youngsters who can not afford their college expenditures, all of those conditions should be a priority and given special
care
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
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, in a way, it is fair that
governments
Use synonyms
 take
care
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 of
its
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
retirement
Use synonyms
 workers. It is possible to say that they
almost
Verb problem
have almost
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 spent their entire lives working and dedicating their time to serve their country, and the least their
governments
Use synonyms
 can do is to help them when they retire. Taking
care
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 of them during their weakest point
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their lives
;
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,
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 when they get
old
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old,
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 might urge
people
Use synonyms
 to do their very best
while
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 working, knowing that their
governments
Use synonyms
 will take
care
Use synonyms
 of them when they retire. In fact, many studies have shown that
people
Use synonyms
 feel more responsible and sincere
to fulfil
Change preposition
in fulfilling
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 their duty. And the reason for
that is
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 because of knowing that the
government
Use synonyms
 will take
care
Use synonyms
 of them during
retirement
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
although
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 there are many
individuals
Use synonyms
 who significantly need their
government
Use synonyms
's support, I tend to believe that a balanced approach is the best. Helping the needy and providing for the retired
people
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
both should
Correct word order
should both
show examples
 be taken into consideration.

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structure
Plan your answer in three parts: state your view, show the two sides, then give a clear personal line at the end.
coherence
Make each paragraph focus on one idea. Start with a sentence that tells what the paragraph will be about.
coherence
Use easy link words to show how ideas move: first, also, but, however, finally.
grammar
Keep long sentences short and simple. Break big ideas into two or three short lines.
content
Choose examples that fit retirement now. Tie examples to the main idea you talk about.
vocabulary
Use plain words. Avoid hard or new words that are not needed.
grammar
Check small grammar points like 'retired' vs 'retirement' and correct verb use.
structure
The essay shows both sides and gives your view at the end.
structure
There is a clear plan with introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence
Link words like 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' help flow.
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