IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think that success in life is measured by the amount of money a person has. Do you agree or disagree?

A good way to assume if someone
won
Verb problem
has won
show examples
 in
life
Use synonyms
 is by the sum of cash they have in their name . If we only consider the material gain , and not take
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
count
Use the right word
account
show examples
 that that person may have other goals in
life
Use synonyms
-
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 it’s easy to determine if they fulfilled their goal. Success comes in different forms for everyone.
Firstly
Linking Words
, most
people
Use synonyms
 aspire for
money
Use synonyms
 .They see
money
Use synonyms
 as the key to success , the ultimate objective in
life
Use synonyms
 .
For instance
Linking Words
 , I am one of them . I aim for financial freedom. We as a society put so much meaning in paper. Our entire
life
Use synonyms
we
Punctuation problem
, we
show examples
 are limited by
money
Use synonyms
 . But
also
Linking Words
 that simple paper opens or
is closing
Wrong verb form
closes
show examples
 doors for us . All in all ,
people
Use synonyms
 have found the most common goal
being
Wrong verb form
to be
show examples
money
Use synonyms
 . And when we see someone reach
it
Punctuation problem
it,
show examples
 we come to think he is successful.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 there are
people
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 have other dreams to chase . In that
case
Add a comma
case,
show examples
money
Use synonyms
 does not come first for them . That doesn’t mean they are not successful. They are maybe
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 in other ways .
For
Linking Words
example
Punctuation problem
example,
show examples
 teachers, it is well known that they don't make tons of
money
Use synonyms
 , but most of them will say they love their job .They come to work because they like what they do .
Linking Words
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
show examples
 they are successful in changing young minds and work with them to grow into good members of society. They feel fulfilled in
life
Use synonyms
 when they see
they
Correct word choice
that they
show examples
 make changes for the future , working with
kids
Punctuation problem
kids,
show examples
 they will grow to be successful. To
summarize
Change the spelling
summarise
show examples
,
money
Use synonyms
 is one of the common goals in today's society
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 not the only goal out there . We tend to respect
people
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 achieve their
goal
Fix the agreement mistake
goals
show examples
 in
life
Use synonyms
. We call
hm
Use the right word
him
show examples
 successful. Success can be determined by
money
Use synonyms
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 not only .

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

organization
Plan with a short intro that states what you will talk about and end with a short closing line.
coherence
Make each paragraph hold one main idea and keep it clear.
development
Give more detail to each point and add a second example.
grammar
Check grammar and spelling to fix errors, such as in, 'they are maybe but in other ways'.
cohesion
Use linking words like 'also', 'but', 'however', and 'for example' to join ideas.
idea
You show that money is not all and there are other goals in life.
example
You use an example of teachers to show value beyond money.
voice
Your voice and view are clear and you speak from what you think.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: