IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that shops should not be allowed to sell food or drinks that are scientifically proven to be bad for people’s health. Do you agree or disagree?x

Nowadays, many
food
Use synonyms
 shops sell a wide range of
food
Use synonyms
 and beverages
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
 high sugar, salt, and artificial flavours. In
this
Linking Words
 context, some argue that the sale of unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 and drinks should be restricted. I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 view, as diet plays a central role in maintaining public
health
Use synonyms
. First and foremost, selling
food
Use synonyms
 and drinks with little nutritional value can harm people’s
health
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 is mainly because most of these products contain excessive amounts of syrup, sodium, and chemicals, which increase the risk of obesity and heart disease. If
Use synonyms
food
Correct article usage
the food
show examples
 market
continue
Correct subject-verb agreement
continues
show examples
 to sell
such
Linking Words
 items freely, people will consume them frequently and suffer long-term
health
Use synonyms
 problems.
For instance
Linking Words
, office workers who often eat hamburgers during lunch break increase their cholesterol levels,
thus
Linking Words
 triggering the possibility of complications.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, restrictions on the sale of nutritionally poor products can encourage
food
Use synonyms
 businesses to improve their ingredients. When restaurants refuse to use harmful
food
Use synonyms
 ingredients, manufacturers are forced to reformulate their recipes to meet
health
Use synonyms
 standards.
This
Linking Words
 is not only highly beneficial for customers but
also
Linking Words
 promotes a more responsible culinary sector. Java Teahouse,
for example
Linking Words
, has adopted natural sweeteners
such
Linking Words
 as honey and stevia as a part of its campaign to promote a healthy lifestyle. From
this
Linking Words
 action, the shop has successfully shifted customer preferences from regular sugar to low-calorie sweeteners. In conclusion,
food
Use synonyms
 shops should be restricted
to sell
Change preposition
from selling
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 and drinks that negatively affect customer well-being. Banning unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 protects society from serious diseases and motivates
food
Use synonyms
 sellers to create healthier alternatives.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task response
Your view is clear and you give reasons. To raise the score, add more strong examples and a short look at the other side.
Coherence and cohesion
Make links between paragraphs stronger with clear topic sentences and refer back to ideas.
Content
Clear stance on the issue
Structure
Good flow of ideas with link words like First and Furthermore
Content
Introduction and conclusion present
What to do next:
Look at other essays: