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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows the number of trips made by children in one country in 1990 and 2010 to travel to and from school using different modes of transport.

The chart below shows the number of trips made by children in one country in 1990 and 2010 to travel to and from school using different modes of transport.
The shown bar graph illustrates the number of journeys made by children in a country to travel to and from school using various types of vehicles, namely
car
Use synonyms
Check wording
apply
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passenger
Use synonyms
, walking, cycling, walking and
bus
Use synonyms
, and
bus
Use synonyms
 in 1990 and 2010. Let's look at the graph that we can see,
overall
Linking Words
, in
2010
Punctuation problem
2010,
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 most of
Correct article usage
the figure
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figure
Fix the agreement mistake
figures
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of
Change preposition
for
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car
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
passenger
Fix the agreement mistake
passengers
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 witnessed an upward trend,
while
Linking Words
 the opposite is true
in
Change preposition
for
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 walking
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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Use synonyms
bus
Fix the agreement mistake
buses
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was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
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Change preposition
at the
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the
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 lowest,
whereas
Linking Words
 in 1990,
pupil
Fix the agreement mistake
pupils
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 used walking more. As
is
Verb problem
apply
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shown by the chart, in 1990, most of the trips chose many ways
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as walking, cycling, and
bus
Use synonyms
. The highest was in walking reach in over 12 million trips,
while
Linking Words
 others only
gain
Wrong verb form
gained
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 from 4 to 7 million units. In 2010 was more modern
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 they
take
Wrong verb form
took
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Use synonyms
car
Use the right word
care
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Use synonyms
Change preposition
of passenger
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passenger
Fix the agreement mistake
passengers
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 for all
of
Change preposition
apply
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journeys about approximately 12 units, and others transports modes only
gain
Wrong verb form
gained
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 one second the
amount
Check wording
terms
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 of
Use synonyms
car
Check wording
apply
show examples
passenger
Use synonyms
.
Check wording
numbers.
show examples

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words car, passenger, bus with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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