IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to only be meant for adults. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. Whatare its causes, and what solutions can solution

In
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 present era, most of the adults related diseases are commonly found in
children
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 obesity is the most common issue among those diseases. The main reasons for fatness are
lifestyles
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyle
show examples
 changes and dietary habits
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 there are
number
Correct article usage
a number
show examples
 of solutions that can be taken by both parents and teachers to solve
this
Linking Words
 problem. One of the main reasons
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 obesity is
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle, as
children
Use synonyms
 are spending most of their time in front of television screens, whether it is for entertainment or study.
As a result
Linking Words
, they are devoting less time
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 outdoor activities,
such
Linking Words
 as cricket or football.
Due to
Linking Words
 these habits, they are becoming
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
victim of
overweight
Verb problem
being overweight
show examples
 in less age. Another contributing factor is
unhealty
Correct your spelling
unhealthy
 diet plans, because these days youngsters are giving more preference to eat fast
food
Use synonyms
,
for example
Linking Words
 : pizza or
burger
Fix the agreement mistake
burgers
show examples
 that are high in calories and
lacks
Correct subject-verb agreement
lack
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
nutritional
values
Fix the agreement mistake
value
show examples
.
In addition
Linking Words
 to it, the
food
Use synonyms
that
Linking Words
is
Verb problem
contains
show examples
 less
containing
Verb problem
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
vitamins, minerals
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
protiens
Correct your spelling
proteins
 will become the reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 fatness among
children
Use synonyms
.
Thus
Linking Words
, above mentioned factor
is explaining
Wrong verb form
explains
show examples
 the reason of overweight. To resolve
this
Linking Words
 issue, one effective solution could be the advertisement of healthy products. As
this
Linking Words
 step can
taken
Verb problem
be taken
show examples
 by the
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
, in which they will not only
shows
Correct subject-verb agreement
show
show examples
 the benefits of healthy diets, but
also
Linking Words
 the
worse
Correct word choice
worst
show examples
 impact of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
junk
food
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, parents can
also
Linking Words
 encourage
children
Use synonyms
 to spend more time
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
outdoor activities. So, they can involve themselves in physical activities
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 to reduce the chances of
overweight
Verb problem
being overweight
show examples
. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 busy
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
 and unhealthy eating habits are becoming the
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 fatness, with the advent of government and teacher
supports
Correct subject-verb agreement
support
show examples
these
Punctuation problem
, these
show examples
 problems can be avoided because they can encourage
children
Use synonyms
 to eat healthy
food
Use synonyms
.

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structure
Plan your essay with a clear plan. State two or three causes, then two or three fixes. End with a short summary.
coherence
Use linking words so ideas flow. Start a new paragraph for each main idea. Keep one main idea in each paragraph.
language
Check spelling and word choice. Use simple, common words. Fix common mistakes like 'unhealty', 'protiens', and 'goverment'.
content
The topic stays on causes and ways to cut obesity.
structure
There is a clear start and end to the essay.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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