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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The diagram shows the process of producing honey. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The diagram shows the process of producing honey. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
In the
diagram
Add a comma
diagram,
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 it is explained how
honey
Use synonyms
 is turned into a product following some crucial steps.
Overall
Linking Words
, there are 11 steps to follow from production to selling
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 include
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 two main phases
;
Punctuation problem
:
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 bee and human phases.
Linking Words
Firstly
Punctuation problem
Firstly,
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 it starts with the bee phase.
Bees
Use synonyms
 gather the nectar from the flowers
, after
Punctuation problem
. After
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bees
Use synonyms
 complete the
gathering
Punctuation problem
gathering,
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 they deposit it in the cobs
,
Punctuation problem
. Afterwards
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afterwards
Punctuation problem
afterwards,
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bees
Use synonyms
 dry the
honey
Use synonyms
 and keep it clean.
Following
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
Use synonyms
bees
Punctuation problem
, bees
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 seal the
honey
Use synonyms
 using wax.
This
Linking Words
 is where the human phase starts. A harvester gathers the
honey
Use synonyms
 from combs, later the human presses the comb,
Linking Words
as
Correct word choice
and as
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 a result it turns into
a
Correct article usage
apply
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honey
Use synonyms
.
Following
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
honey
Use synonyms
 is placed into a sump tank
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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is heating
Wrong verb form
heats
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 it to approximately 47
Check wording
degrees celsius
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celsius
Fix capitalization
Celsius
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,
then
Linking Words
 it goes into a sieve tank
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 removes unnecessary dirt. In the subsequent
stage
Add a comma
stage,
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 the heated
honey
Use synonyms
 is placed into a settling tank for 2-4 days
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
Linking Words
finally
Add a comma
finally,
show examples
 the
honey
Use synonyms
 is placed into a jar and is ready to be sold.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "following this".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words honey, bees with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 3 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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