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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Chilhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries. What are the causes of this and what are some possible solutions can be offered?

Nowadays, in different countries, the number of overweight
children
Use synonyms
 is increasing considerably, which is a serious issue.
This
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 essay will discuss the main reasons for childhood
obesity
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including
Punctuation problem
, including
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 unhealthy diet and lack of walking and exercising. The essay
wil
Correct your spelling
will
also
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 suggest viable
solution
Fix the agreement mistake
solutions
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including
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, including
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 starting a healthy diet and doing exercises. One of the major causes of childhood
obesity
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 is that
children
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 tend to eat unhealthy
food
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such
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 as junk
food
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, chips, candies, and chocolate.
This
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because
Verb problem
is because
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 these types of
food
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 contain many calories and unhealthy nutrients like fat.
Therefore
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, it can
causes
Wrong verb form
cause
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 many health problems
such
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 as
obesity
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and
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, and
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 it may increase the risks of developing heart disease.
For instance
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, parents always buy those foods
to
Change preposition
for
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 their
children
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 in a huge
amount
Check wording
quantities
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, and these foods can make
children
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 lazy.
However
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, they do not know how their
children
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 can be affected by these foods. Another important reason is that
children
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 usually spend the whole day watching TV or using phones.
Hence
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, their bodies are not using the energy from
food
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, which increases their weight.
On the other hand
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, a significant solution to reduce the number of overweight
children
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 is to provide them with healthy meals including proteins, carbohydrates, fats, because these meals have
less
Fix the agreement mistake
fewer
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 calories
comapred
Correct your spelling
compared
 to junk
food
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.
Moreover
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, parents should make a daily training schedule
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their
children
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 and join them to encourage them.
For example
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, many families go
waliking
Correct your spelling
walking
on
Change preposition
in
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 the park with their
children
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 to
make
Verb problem
help
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 their
children
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 lose weight. In conclusion, eating healthy
food
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 and doing
exercises
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exercise
show examples
 are the reliable solutions to overcome childhood
obesity
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,
whereas
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 unhealthy eating habits and lack of training are the main causes of
this
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 increasing problem.

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Task Response
Improve task response by fully addressing both causes and solutions. Add more details and keep a clear plan.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve coherence and flow by having a clear topic sentence for each paragraph, and link ideas with simple connecting words like also, but, so, therefore.
Language Accuracy
Use proper grammar and spelling. Check sentences like 'This because' to 'This is because', 'can causes' to 'can cause', 'comapred' to 'compared', 'waliking' to 'walking'.
Task Response
Expand examples and data if possible; e.g., mention how much kids spend on junk food or stats, to make points more concrete.
Structure
Introduction and conclusion could be stronger: state main idea in the introduction and summarize key points in the conclusion.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary: use simple, accurate words; avoid repeating 'unhealthy' and 'food' too much; vary with 'menu', 'snack', 'activity' etc.
Structure
The essay shows a clear plan with causes and solutions.
Coherence
There are connecting words that help show order of ideas.
Content
Notes steps that families can take, like healthy meals and exercise.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • dietary habits
  • high-calorie
  • low-nutrient
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • video games
  • online entertainment
  • social media
  • physical activities
  • balanced diet
  • regular exercise
  • comprehensive health education
  • nutrition
  • health education programs
  • regulate
  • advertising
  • unhealthy food products
  • promoting healthy eating
  • perceptions
  • setting a good example
  • healthier food choices
  • outdoor activities
  • screen time
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