Many parents put a great deal of pressure on their children to be successful in school and get excellent grades. Some think that this is not a good idea and is unhealthy. Others think it is the right thing to do. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Society has undergone many changes, and that includes parenting methods. Nowadays, most
parents
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think that they need to put their
children
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under
pressure
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to be successful in school.
However
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, others think that
this
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is not a good idea. I partially agree with
this
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statement.
This
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essay will provide evidence to support my opinion. I completely agree that it is not a good idea and is unhealthy.
First,
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children
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's mental health will be negatively affected.
For example
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, they will be overthinkers who will keep them in a close circle.
Also
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, they will be speechless, and
that is
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not good for their social life.
Second,
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they will develop wrong behaviours which is not needed. Waywardness and shouting are the most popular behaviours for
this
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condition. These kinds of behaviours need a rapid intervention.
Finally
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, the academic level failure is what the
parents
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try to avoid.
Children
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can’t understand the meaning of time and the value of education. All these pressures can lead them to fail.
However
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, I disagree that putting a great deal of
pressure
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is the right thing to do.
Children
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don’t know how to deal with the
pressure
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.
For example
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, they can’t achieve their goals if they think of pressures.
On the other hand
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, they need a comfortable life to succeed.
Moreover
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,
parents
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put a lot of challenges for their
children
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to succeed. These challenges can confuse the
children
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, causing a lack of focus. Scheduling their day is better than the challenges.
For example
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, they can do their homework faster.
Also
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, they can feel interested in knowing every new information and be happy with success. In conclusion, it is clear to see that
parents
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care about
children
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's education.
However
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, their methods may be harmful.
Therefore
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, I believe that putting
pressure
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on
children
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to achieve academic success is definitely the wrong approach.

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task achievement
Be clear on your main view. The essay should not say both 'I agree' and 'I disagree' in the same line. Pick one strong line and stay with it through all parts.
coherence
Put each idea in its own paragraph. Start with a topic sentence, then give one reason and one example.
grammar vocabulary
Use simple and direct words. Avoid long or odd phrases. Check grammar.
task achievement
Give more real proof or clear examples that fit the point.
coherence
Link ideas with clear words like first, then, also, in conclusion.
content
Good effort to discuss more than one side of the issue.
structure
Intro and conclusion show the topic and stance.
language
There is some use of linking words to help flow.
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