IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Caring for children is probably the most important thing in society. It is suggested that all mothers and fathers should be required to take childcare training courses. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is no doubt that
upbringing
Correct article usage
the upbringing
show examples
 of
children
Use synonyms
 is the cornerstone of society.
Thus
Linking Words
, some individuals deem that all
parents
Use synonyms
 ought to be taught how to raise
children
Use synonyms
 properly. Personally, I agree with
this
Linking Words
 point of view, since
parents
Use synonyms
, especially younger ones, lack
necessary
Correct article usage
the necessary
show examples
 experience in childcare. One primary reason why training courses are advised is that a large number of
parents
Use synonyms
 are not aware of
skills
Correct article usage
the skills
show examples
 on how to take care of their
children
Use synonyms
. Training sessions, in
this
Linking Words
 case, may help them perceive pivotal knowledge that every
Use synonyms
parents
Fix the agreement mistake
parent
show examples
 should have, because ignorance about
this
Linking Words
 field can be risky to the lives of their babies. In Tashkent,
for example
Linking Words
, it has been noted that over 30 young couples gave inappropriate medicine to their toddlers, thinking they
have
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 become ill, yet they were basically hungry.
As a result
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 made their babies vulnerable
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 some of them even perished because of
strong
Correct article usage
the strong
show examples
 effects of drugs.
Therefore
Linking Words
, mandatory knowledge, even about
medicine
Punctuation problem
medicine,
show examples
 should be
educated
Verb problem
made available
show examples
 to both fathers and mothers.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, in recent years, with the rise of technology, a large number of
children
Use synonyms
 are attracted to video games excessively. Even though
parents
Use synonyms
 know the ramifications of these games, they are not limiting their
children
Use synonyms
, being careless about their future.
This
Linking Words
 trend is taking place across the world, for
parents
Use synonyms
 do not possess enough knowledge about how to raise a child. Training courses, which are conducted by experienced teachers, may play an imperative role in the process of caring for
children
Use synonyms
, because experts know how to approach the issues as they have undergone these kinds of situations during their lifetime. In conclusion, I absolutely agree that all
parents
Use synonyms
 have to attend childcare training courses for the future of their
children
Use synonyms
, because sessions are aimed to give valuable lessons to the
parents
Use synonyms
, particularly younger ones, which can be helpful in the long run.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

language
Fix grammar like 'every parents' to 'every parent' and keep noun and verb in the right form.
structure
Link ideas more clearly. Use words that show how one point leads to the next.
content
Give more strong and exact examples to back up your point about child safety and tech use.
structure
Keep the intro and conclusion short and make your view clear in the end.
task response
You show a clear view that parents should have training.
coherence
The essay uses a simple, steady order (intro, body, conclusion).
content
You use a real example to show risk to kids.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • care
  • children
  • society
  • important
  • parents
  • training
  • skills
  • understand
  • needs
  • situations
  • behavior
  • safety
  • relationship
  • trust
  • love
  • outcomes
  • healthy
  • successful
  • future
What to do next:
Look at other essays: