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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The pie charts below show the percentage of students on the one adult education center taking a various course offered in 1985 and this year.

The pie charts below show the percentage of students on the one adult education center taking a various course offered in 1985 and this year.
The given pie charts compare the distribution of adult
students
Use synonyms
 who enrolled in various courses at an education
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
 in 1985 and in the present
year
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 in the initial
Use synonyms
year
Add a comma
year,
show examples
 the highest rate was learning
modern
Correct article usage
a modern
show examples
 language, whilst the lowest was appreciating music.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
year
Use synonyms
most
Punctuation problem
, most
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 are
studied
Wrong verb form
studying
show examples
 computer science,
meanwhile
Punctuation problem
meanwhile,
show examples
 for art
interest is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 decreased. Starting with modern language, at the beginning of the
Use synonyms
year
Punctuation problem
year,
show examples
 it recorded 24% of the total,
meanwhile
Punctuation problem
meanwhile,
show examples
 for fitness and dance was a bit lower, with 22%.
According to
Linking Words
 what is shown, art, cookery and local history represented nearly the same shares, at 17%, 15% and 14%.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the lowest was music appreciation, making up only 8% of
students
Use synonyms
. Looking at the remaining tutors,
students
Use synonyms
 who
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
joined to learn local history and
appreciating
Wrong verb form
appreciate
show examples
 music were zero
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
Linking Words
instead
Punctuation problem
instead,
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
show examples
 courses, IT became the highest trend,
according
Verb problem
accounting
show examples
 for 27%.
Besides
Linking Words
, the proportion of adult
students
Use synonyms
 in art and modern language courses saw a decline by 2% and 7% points,
highlighting
Verb problem
respectively, to
show examples
 15% and 17%.
However
Linking Words
, adults started
Verb problem
getting interesting
show examples
interesting
Correct word choice
interested
show examples
 in cooking, and it grew
up
Change preposition
apply
show examples
slightly, to 19%.
Finally
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fitness and dance
the
Verb problem
are the
show examples
 only
tendency
Fix the agreement mistake
tendencies
show examples
 that have not changed over the period.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words students, year with synonyms.
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