IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The needs of old people and young people are similar, so both should get equal government support. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In recent years, the question of both the elderly and the young should receive
the
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apply
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fair treatment from the
government
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 as they share alike demands has sparked heated debate. From my perspective, I strongly disagree with the idea that old
people
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 and young
people
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 must gain equal
government
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support
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.
To begin
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 with, one of the main reasons why I disagree is that the focus differs between the two types of
people
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.
This
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 is because older adults place greater emphasis on retirement planning,
while
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 younger
people
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 focus more on education. It is impossible for
elderly
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the elderly
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 to accept the same level of education as the young.
For example
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, the aged engage in recreational activities during their free time, not to enhance their educational qualifications,
whereas
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 young
people
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 pursue learning to improve themselves.
As a result
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, the aspects where they need
support
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 are entirely different.
Furthermore
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, another compelling argument in
favor
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favour
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 of
for
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apply
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this
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 view is that the
government
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 should not provide equal
support
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. Each community has diverse requirements that must be met within society. If the
government
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 offers the same resources, it will lead to
waste
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a waste
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 of that.
For instance
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, the
government
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 will provide tuition assistance and employment opportunities for young
people
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,
while
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old
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older
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people
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 simply do not require
such
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chances
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opportunities
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. Giving
same
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the same
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support
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 to persons with different demands would create social imbalance. In conclusion, since the needs
od
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of
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 the elderly and the young differ, the
government
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 should not supply equal
support
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. By offering safeguards for different life stages, society as a whole can become more orderly and harmonious.

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task response
Be very clear in your main claim. Instead of a very strong 'I strongly disagree', say how you feel and how far you think the issue should be split.
coherence
Use a simple map for the essay: intro with your view, two body parts with your reasons, one for any opposite view if you like, then a short end.
cohesion
Link ideas well with small joins like and, but, also, so to make flow from one sentence to the next.
grammar
Watch small mistakes in word use and spelling, such as od vs of, resources, etc.
content
Give one good example for each reason so readers can see your point better.
structure
Your view is clear from start to end.
content
You set out a reason that old and young have different needs.
coherence
You use markers to show new ideas in each paragraph.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial support
  • retirement pension
  • cost of living
  • healthcare expenses
  • quality of life
  • limited income
  • financial independence
  • personal responsibility
  • preparedness
  • government subsidies
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