IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In some countries, many children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people say it is the responsibility of governments to solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

There is no denying the fact that
obesity
Use synonyms
becomes
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
as
Change preposition
apply
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a global issue.
While
Linking Words
 there is
commonly
Correct article usage
a commonly
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 held belief that
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 should pay attention to tackle
this
Linking Words
 trend, there is an argument that parents should spend immense effort to improve their children's
'
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 health. In my opinion, I tend to consider that governments and families should
engage
Verb problem
share
show examples
 the responsibility together. On one hand, I agree that unions should adopt certain health programs to prevent
this
Linking Words
 challenge.
However
Linking Words
, the households should play a vital role in providing support to their kids
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
 various ways,
such
Linking Words
 as
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
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 diet, practice
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 and educating them about
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
potential
risk
Fix the agreement mistake
risks
show examples
 that might happen.
In other words
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fatness
has
Verb problem
apply
show examples
can cause fatal
illness
Fix the agreement mistake
illnesses
show examples
, like heart attacks, diabetes, high
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
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 of cholesterol and high blood pressure.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the family has a significant responsibility
among
Change preposition
in
show examples
 babies' validity, and they should enhance their knowledge about the
obesity
Use synonyms
 concept.
For example
Linking Words
, some research conducted in the KSA by the National Health
Center
Change the spelling
Centre
show examples
 suggests that about 89% of youngsters suffering from overweight rates
due to
Linking Words
lake
Check wording
a lack
show examples
 of parents' oversight. On
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 hand, the authorities have a significant role
among
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
Linking Words
 issue
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
In other words
Linking Words
, they should apply several initiatives to foster the awareness of children and families about
obesity
Use synonyms
 risks.
In addition
Linking Words
, they should implement strict
regulation
Fix the agreement mistake
regulations
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 on parents
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 who are neglecting their
breeds
Check wording
children
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. The nations must believe that
this
Linking Words
 trend can damage the quality of life and the economic systems.
For instance
Linking Words
, China spends great effort to eliminate early
obesity
Use synonyms
between
Change preposition
among
show examples
 individuals under 16 years old, by many methods to enhance age rates and
mitigating
Wrong verb form
mitigate
show examples
 the expenditure on
authenticity
Correct article usage
the authenticity
show examples
 field. In conclusion. I believe that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the nations should share the responsibility with the families to provide children with a healthy life.

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grammar
Use simple, clear grammar. Fix mistakes like 'there is no denying' and 'the fatness has can' so your meaning is easy to get.
structure
Make your view clear in the first paragraph and restate it at the end. Use a simple plan so the reader knows your steps.
content
Give one or two real, easy examples and numbers if you can. Do not add many new ideas in the last line.
cohesion
Use linking words like and, but, also, so to show how ideas are connected. This helps to move from one idea to the next.
idea
The essay shows a clear idea that both government and family must share the work.
structure
There is a plan with an introduction, body, and conclusion.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • epidemic
  • obesity
  • regulate
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • nutritional education
  • caloric intake
  • lifestyle diseases
  • physical inactivity
  • public health campaigns
  • regulatory measures
  • junk food
  • health initiatives
  • fiscal policies
  • metabolic disorders
  • parental guidance
What to do next:
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