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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say that schools should concentrate on teaching students academic subjects that will be useful for their future careers. Other people say thatsubjects such as music and sports are also necessary. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

Many people these days debate whether schools should concentrate on teaching
students
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 academic or non-academic
subjects
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.
Although
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 academic
subjects
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 play crucial role in student’s future career, I opine that non-academic
subjects
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also
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 essential for student’s life. On the one hand, disciplines
such
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 as mathematic, litrature, language, history, etc. are important for
students
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’ educational path.
For instance
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,
students
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 who want to become teachers, doctors, scholars, IT specialists need a solid background in
this
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 areas and they must be aware of
this
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subjects
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 in terms of, they need to get diplomas and professional feedback.
Moreover
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, every people must to know basic mathematical knowladge as present-day demands it.
In addition
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, every citizen must be aware of their country’s history, because a country without historical knowladge, can never get victory over rival countries.
On the other hand
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, non-academic
subjects
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 namely art, sport, music and others are important for
students
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’ mental, kinestetic and physical health. Nowadays most adults suffer from some psycological problems
such
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 as anxiety, khronic stress. In
this
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 situation psycology doctors recommend them engrossed in art, sport and music. They cure not only for our physical health, but
also
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 our emotional stability. They can help
students
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 become more creative, innovative and
also
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 they give them positive atmospher.
Furthermore
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,
this
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subjects
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 allow
students
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 to broden their horizons, because our history
also
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 hidden in our art culture. In conclusion,
while
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 scholary
subjects
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 play undoubtedly vital role in student’s life, other
subjects
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also
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 has equally significant role. In my viewpoint, schools must maintain a balance, because both type of
subjects
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 are key to succesful lifestyle.

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grammar
Fix many spelling and grammar errors. Use correct forms: mathematics, literature, knowledge, psychology, broaden.
structure
Have a clear plan in the intro: say the two sides and your view in one line.
content
Give real, simple examples that match your point and say how they prove it.
coherence
Use simple linking words to join ideas and make the flow better.
content
The writer tries to show two sides and give an extra view.
structure
There is an intro and a conclusion.
coherence
The use of on the one hand / on the other hand helps show two sides.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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