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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that schools are too competitive and that this has a negative impact on children. Others believe the competitive environment encourages children to achieve. Discuss both these views and give your ipinion.

In today’s world,
wheather
Correct your spelling
whether
 a competitive situation is helpful for
children
Use synonyms
 has become a major topic of discussion. Some people argue that
children
Use synonyms
 would suffer from
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
 impact, as the
too
Rephrase
overly
show examples
competieive
Correct your spelling
competitive
environment
Use synonyms
. Others believe that
this
Linking Words
condition
Use synonyms
 would stimulate
children
Use synonyms
 to achieve. In my
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
show examples
, I
convince
Wrong verb form
am convinced
show examples
 that
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 extreme
environment
Use synonyms
 of competition is harmful for
children
Use synonyms
. On the one hand, the reason why a competitive
environment
Use synonyms
 encourages
children
Use synonyms
 to achieve is that
this
Linking Words
condition
Use synonyms
 could enhance
children
Use synonyms
’s competitive awareness. In the schools, teachers always show the rank of examination on the notice-board to
creat
Use the right word
create
show examples
 a competitive
environment
Use synonyms
.
Children
Use synonyms
 could clearly detect their learning level, and they
then
Linking Words
 could find a
people
Fix the agreement mistake
person
show examples
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 who is in front of them in the rank, as their goal
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 test.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they are
incented
Verb problem
incentivised
show examples
 to acquire a higher rank
Correct word choice
and even
show examples
even could
Correct word order
could even
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 obtain the scholarship.
For example
Linking Words
, in
china
Fix capitalization
China
show examples
, the
children
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 who are overwhelmed in a competitive
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condition
Check wording
environment
show examples
 are likely to have better performances than normal
children
Use synonyms
, since they do not want to fall behind other
children
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.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the reason why a too
competive
Correct your spelling
competitive
environment
Use synonyms
 is harmful for
children
Use synonyms
 is that
this
Linking Words
 situation could hinder
children
Use synonyms
’s development. In
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
extreme
Replace the word
extremely
show examples
 competitive situation, parents
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
tend to apply many tutorial
curriculums
Replace the word
curricula
show examples
, as they want their
children
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 to be the best in the class. In
long
Correct article usage
the long
show examples
 term, too
much class
Fix the agreement mistake
many classes
show examples
 lead to
children
Use synonyms
producing mentalities
Check wording
developing a hatred
show examples
 of
hating study
Check wording
studying
show examples
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they lose learning fuel.
For instance
Linking Words
, many parents sign up
many
Change preposition
for many
show examples
 classes for their
children
Use synonyms
 after
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
, some
children
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even don’t
Correct word order
don’t even
show examples
 know that. In the long term of extreme
Use synonyms
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
, some
children
Use synonyms
 could not accept
this
Linking Words
high strength
Use the right word
high-strength
show examples
 study.
Consequently
Linking Words
, they might give up learning, even get some troubles with mental health, because their heart are not mature. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 a competitive
envvironment
Correct your spelling
environment
 could
incent
Verb problem
incentivise
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 to achieve, I strongly believe that
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 extreme
environment
Use synonyms
 of competition
play
Correct subject-verb agreement
plays
show examples
 a negative role
during
Change preposition
in
show examples
children
Use synonyms
’s development in
long
Correct article usage
the long
show examples
 term.

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Task response improvement
Plan your essay before you write. Have a clear view at the start and keep a balanced talk.
Coherence
Group ideas in each paragraph. Use linking words like firstly, also, but, finally to guide the reader.
Language accuracy
Check spelling and grammar. Use short, simple sentences. Avoid long and hard words.
Strength
The essay tries to cover both sides and shows your own view.
Strength
There is a basic structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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