IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

Currently, the population of some countries contains a myriad of young generations, compared with the percentage of elderly
people
Use synonyms
. Including a large number of young adults has many advantages for the country,
while
Linking Words
 older
people
Use synonyms
 can limit opportunities for the country. On the one hand, young
people
Use synonyms
 are much better than older
people
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 their being more energetic and their ability to achieve great success faster than the retired majority.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, they need time or a chance to illustrate their abilities in any process.
For example
Linking Words
, by providing and encouraging their development, countries straightforwardly accomplish vitally important, substantial achievements and smart candidates. Because their brains are really fresh and empty, that gives them benefits in learning any subject.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it has several disadvantages. The young generation cannot decide rapidly in some circumstances because
in
Punctuation problem
, in
show examples
 their whole life, they have never experienced
this
Linking Words
 kind of challenge. A clear example of
this
Linking Words
 is one of the famous businessman's children who
captured
Verb problem
took over
show examples
 his business and set up to control the company. After the long-term period,
this
Linking Words
 organisation automatically compromised the reputation and the company’s shares. All of the decline came by way of a lack of experience. From my perspective, just because adults have more desires to control and learn something , or they have the highest energy, does not mean that they will be able to do anything. In
this
Linking Words
 contemporary era, everything comes with experience. In conclusion, a young population can provide energy and innovation,
while
Linking Words
 an overreliance on youth may cause problems
due to
Linking Words
 limited experience. A balanced age structure is the most effective way for a country to achieve stable progress.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task
State your view clearly in the intro and restate it in the conclusion.
coherence
Make one clear main idea per paragraph and add a simple example for each.
lexical
Check grammar and word use; replace awkward phrases with simple, true words.
structure
Clear plan with two sides and a conclusion.
coherence
Use of linking phrases to show contrast.
content
Idea of energy and innovation, related to the topic.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
What to do next:
Look at other essays: