IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people opine that entertainment or leisure activities should be subsidized by the government. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

In recent years, the question of whether the
government
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 should support and fund leisure
activities
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 has become a topic of growing debate.
While
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 some believe that public funding should be directed towards
such
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activities
Use synonyms
, I firmly disagree, as
government
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 resources should prioritise essential
sectors
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such
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 as
healthcare
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 and education.
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This
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In this
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 essay
I
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, I
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will outline the reasons behind my opinion and provide relevant examples to support the argument.
To begin
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 with, there are
serval
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several
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 advantages for supporting important
sectors
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 rather than funding entertainment
activities
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, as the latter offers only short-term enjoyment and limited national benefits. First and foremost, in order for a
country
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 to become more advanced and stay way ahead of other countries in technological development, the
government
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 needs to prioritise educational development, as the new generation is responsible for building the
country
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's future and ensuring a high quality of life. To exemplify
this
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 statement, investing in the education sector and improving the quality of educational system and teaching programs can take the
country
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 to a significantly higher level of progress
,
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.
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 Japan is a clear example of
this
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, a
country
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 that transformed itself into a global leader through long-term investment in education and human development.
On the other hand
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,
healthcare
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 is far more important than any other
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sectors
Fix the agreement mistake
sector
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.
Therefore
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, the
government
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 should consistently improve
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healthcare
Correct article usage
the healthcare
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 system, as citizens must be in a good state of well-being in order to enjoy life and its leisure
activities
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.
Moreover
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, neglecting
healthcare
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 in favour of subsidising leisure
activities
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 could lead to serious long-term consequences for society. In conclusion, entertainment is
crucial
Correct article usage
a crucial
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 part of a
country
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's economy, but I believe that other
sectors
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 are far more important and should be prioritised first for the benefit of both individuals and society.

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development
Add one or two more ideas and a counter-argument to show balance.
coherence
Use more link words to show the flow between sentences and ideas.
grammar
Check grammar and spellings, fix errors and keep sentences short.
examples
Use one more example less general than Japan or explain the example more clearly.
strength
Clear position is stated in the opening and closing paragraphs.
structure
Paragraphs show good organisation and main ideas are clear.
content
A real example (Japan) is used to back a point.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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