Extreme sports such as skydiving and rock climbing are very dangerous and should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is a view that extreme activities like skydiving and rock climbing ought to be banned
due to
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their danger.
While
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some argue in favour, I personally oppose
this
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notion as everyone has different choices
some
Punctuation problem
; some
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people may be afraid of
such
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sports ,
while
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for others it can be enjoyable. Skydiving and rock climbing may be unsafe in some cases,
for instance
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, when staff who are working there are not doing their work properly or don't even know how to do it. Usually, it is newcomers who do not have enough experience. They can do their work in the wrong way , which will lead to bad consequences.
As a result
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, people will have unfavourable associations with it.
Also
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, as I mentioned before, it can be related to personal choices because of past experience , which negatively affected
this
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person's opinion about it.
According to
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the other side, it can be a funny and energetic thing to do in their free time or when hanging out with close ones. It can
also
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be a good way to get rid of negative emotions , which is unfavourable to remember. Taking away
such
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interesting and sometimes important activities from people is not entirely fair
due to
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the fact that others who are not into
this
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area of sport may just ignore it. Paying attention to the other kinds of things which will be safer is the best way to avoid it. In conclusion, I believe that everyone has the right to choose what they would like to do, so it will be more accurate to let others who love it
to
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apply
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do it rather than completely ban it.

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organization
The essay follows a basic plan with an intro, two body parts and a conclusion. Keep this plan.
development
Some ideas are not explained enough. Add more detail and a clear example for each point.
grammar
Fix grammar and punctuation. Use shorter, clear sentences to avoid mistakes.
coherence
Link ideas with better connectors. Use phrases like 'on the one hand' and 'on the other hand' for clear links.
lexical
Use simple words. Avoid long or rare words not in the top 100 words to keep meaning clear.
content
Clear stance against ban is stated.
structure
Essay has a plan with intro, body, and conclusion.
content
Attempts to discuss both sides.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example
Topic Vocabulary:
  • exhilarating
  • personal growth
  • sense of achievement
  • self-esteem
  • mental resilience
  • economic implications
  • adventure tourism
  • acknowledging
  • paramount
  • mitigate
  • recreational activities
  • governmental regulations
  • personal liberties
  • pioneering
  • advancements
  • protective gear
  • innovation
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