IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think most crime is the result of circumstances. Others believes that most crime is cused by people who are bad by nature. Discuss both view and give your own opinion.

There are various factors that contribute to criminal behaviour.
While
Linking Words
 some people believe that
crime
Use synonyms
 mainly results from social circumstances, others argue that certain individuals are inherently predisposed to wrongdoing. I agree that external conditions play a major role, but I
also
Linking Words
 believe that personality traits can influence criminal actions in some cases. On the one hand, many offences are triggered by difficult living conditions, especially poverty. People who experience financial hardship often struggle to meet basic needs, which can push them towards illegal activities
such
Linking Words
 as theft or drug trafficking.
For instance
Linking Words
, a parent who loses their job may feel forced to break the law in order to provide for their family.
In addition
Linking Words
, disadvantaged communities tend to have limited access to education and fewer opportunities to escape poverty. Research from Indonesia shows that drug abuse is significantly more prevalent in low-income neighbourhoods, demonstrating how socioeconomic pressures create environments where
crime
Use synonyms
 becomes more common.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some argue that a portion of offenders commit crimes despite having no urgent need to do so. These individuals often fully understand the consequences of their actions
yet
Punctuation problem
, yet
show examples
 choose criminal behaviour for personal gratification or excitement.
For example
Linking Words
, burglary typically requires detailed planning and effort;
however
Linking Words
, some offenders prefer
this
Linking Words
 route because they find it easier or more thrilling than legitimate work.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, extreme cases
such
Linking Words
 as serial killers illustrate how certain people develop harmful impulses that are unrelated to external pressures. Their crimes stem from psychological, rather than economic, motivations. In conclusion, both environmental influences and personal characteristics can lead to criminal behaviour.
However
Linking Words
, I believe that the majority of
crime
Use synonyms
 is rooted in social issues that limit individuals’ choices and encourage illegal actions.
Therefore
Linking Words
, governments should focus on tackling poverty and improving education to reduce
crime
Use synonyms
 in the long term.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

improvement
In Task Response, the essay answers the prompt and gives a view, but add more balance in evidence and a clear link to how each point effects crime. Also add a short conclusion that restates your view.
improvement
In Coherence and Cohesion, use better sign posts and connect ideas from one sentence to the next. Each paragraph should have one main idea and a link to the next.
improvement
Use more varied sentence form and precise words to make idea clear and easy to read.
strength
Clear view is shown and kept through the essay.
strength
Paragraphs have a clear start sentence and examples.
strength
Words that link ideas help flow.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: