IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Health experts claim that walking is known to be beneficial to health. However, people are walking less on a daily basis. What are the reasons for this? What can be done to encourage people to walk more again?

Nowadays, health professionals believe that walking is one of the best forms of physical exercise for maintaining a healthy condition.
However
Linking Words
, many
people
Use synonyms
 rarely do exercise, especially walking. There are several issues related to
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon, and I will explain what can be done to address them.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, technology is one of the important causes of many individuals walking less. Using a smartphone and enjoying playing
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
video
Use synonyms
 games will make
people
Use synonyms
 lazy.
For instance
Linking Words
, there are two out of three adults in America experiencing obesity because of excessive playing of Valorant, the most popular first-person shooter
video
Use synonyms
 game in the US.
In addition
Linking Words
, social
media
Use synonyms
 creates harmful habits for many individuals worldwide.
People
Use synonyms
 tend to communicate with others through chat or
video
Use synonyms
 calls rather than meeting face to face in the real world.
This
Linking Words
 cause will reduce their movement to create communication in society and reduce their walking count. To encourage all members of society to walk more, substantial efforts will be needed.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the government should develop regulations to reduce the impact of social
media
Use synonyms
. In Australia,
for example
Linking Words
, the government restricts social
media
Use synonyms
 for teenagers. Only
people
Use synonyms
 aged 18 or above can use social
media
Use synonyms
 accounts
such
Linking Words
 as Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok.
Hence
Linking Words
, to send emails for business and company purposes, one must be aged 22 or above
due to
Linking Words
 the regulation. In conclusion, many
people
Use synonyms
 are walking less for several reasons, including excessive use of social
media
Use synonyms
 and
video
Use synonyms
 games. Creating regulations plays a pivotal role in reducing and mitigating the detrimental effects of
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task
Give more clear main ideas. In each paragraph, state one reason why people walk less and one clear way to make them walk more. Add a short example for each idea.
coherence
Use simple link words to join ideas. Use words like First, Then, Next, Finally to keep the flow clear.
language
Be careful with facts. If you use numbers or names, make them easy to check or say it as a general idea.
structure
Intro and conclusion are present and easy to see.
coherence
The essay shows a main idea about tech and how it may cut steps.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: