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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the result of a survey about what peopel of differwncw age groups say makes them most happy

The two pie charts depict the results of a survey for individuals who were happy in the different age groups, including
people
Use synonyms
 under 30 and above 30. In overview, achievements at work were the highest percentages in both age groups.
In contrast
Linking Words
, other factors and hobbies were almost similar in the adults and elderly
people
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
all ages of
Correct word order
people of all ages
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 are happy
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
the
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
achievement
Fix the agreement mistake
achievements
show examples
 at work, which is 31% followed by 32%. Young adults are more likely to do hobbies, which accounted for 22%.
In contrast
Linking Words
, almost similar percentages of other factors and travelling preferred by individuals who were under 30, it is 14% and 15% respectively.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, older than 30, they are more interested in hobbies, it has 24%.
Also
Linking Words
, elderly
people
Use synonyms
 are more focused on financial security, which is 20%. Those in the
over 30
Use the right word
over-30
show examples
 age group are likely to stay with families, which accounted for 14%. They are less involved in other factors, which is 10% only.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "in contrast".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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