IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in childhood obesity. Other people think that childhood obesity is the fault of the parents. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

Childhood
Use synonyms
obesity
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 has become an increasing concern
due to
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 unhealthy lifestyles and excessive food consumption among young people.
While
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 some argue that governments are responsible for addressing
this
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 issue, others believe that
parents
Use synonyms
 should be held accountable.
This
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 essay will argue that
although
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 government intervention is important,
parents
Use synonyms
 play a greater role in preventing
childhood
Use synonyms
obesity
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. On the one hand, governments have failed to enforce
sugar
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 taxation strictly enough.
As a result
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, food manufacturers are able to produce products with excessive
sugar
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 content. Children are particularly vulnerable to
this
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 situation, as they are the primary target consumers of sugary snacks and breakfast
c
Correct your spelling
cereals
 cereals. If
such
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 high levels of
sugar
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 intake persist,
childhood
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obesity
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 rates are likely to continue rising.
On the other hand
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,
parents
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 have a more direct influence on their children’s lifestyle choices.
For example
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, children are more likely to eat nutritious food and engage in regular exercise when their
parents
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 set a positive example.
Conversely
Linking Words
,
parents
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 who practise overeating and lead sedentary lifestyles may unintentionally encourage similar habits in their children.
Therefore
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, parental awareness and responsibility are crucial in shaping healthy behaviours from an early age. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 governments should strengthen
sugar
Use synonyms
 tax regulations,
parents
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 ultimately have the most significant role in preventing
childhood
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obesity
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. By adopting healthier lifestyles at home,
parents
Use synonyms
 can effectively safeguard their children’s long-term health.

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content
Add more facts or numbers about how many kids are affected or how much sugar is in foods.
cohesion
Make the move from one idea to the next smooth with small joining words like also, but, then.
grammar
Fix small grammar and the stray 'c cereals' so the text reads clean.
structure
The essay shows both sides and a clear own view.
structure
There is a clear plan in the intro and a short ending.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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