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Writing Samples
Band 7

The chart below gives information about the journey to school by children aged 11 to 16 in the UK in a year.

The bar chart illustrates various categories about the transport used by young people aged between 11-16 in the UK in a year. The most striking feature of categories is walking for the shortest distance
Linking Words
Punctuation problem
; however
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however
Punctuation problem
however,
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 it dramatically declined in longer distances. Walking and cycling are better for shorter distances,
whereas
Linking Words
 buses are beneficial for longer runs. The lowest proportion of journeys among all groups is
an
Change preposition
for an
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 automobile. Moving onto the remaining statistics,the rate of walking
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 accounted for 90% between 0-1 mile, decreased slightly to 60% between 1-2
miles
Use synonyms
, and
then
Linking Words
 dropped approximately 25% between 2-5
miles
Use synonyms
 over a given time frame. Cycling indicated 75% between 1-2
miles
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
decreased
Correct pronoun usage
it decreased
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 almost 50% between 0-1 and 2-5
miles
Use synonyms
. In terms of buses, it is notable that students take the bus to school from their houses over
miles
Use synonyms
 away, with approximately 68%,
while
Linking Words
 children who are 0-1 mile away
also
Linking Words
 use buses, standing at 2% a year. The car
amounted to
Verb problem
was
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 the least common transport throughout the time period. The people who take cars stayed relatively stable.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words miles with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
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