IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

The average standard of people's health is likely to be lower in the future than it is now. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Recently, the number of healthy
people
Use synonyms
experiences
Verb problem
has
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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decrease
Replace the word
decreased
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,
while
Linking Words
 the majority of
people
Use synonyms
 in the past
have
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
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better health conditions. I strongly agree that more
people
Use synonyms
 in the pastime are healthier, because there are fewer influences from unhealthy food and technology devices. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, the justification of my view will be explored in detail.
To begin
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 with,
people
Use synonyms
 nowadays seem to consume fast food
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 because of their hustle activities. More individuals nowadays, working for 8 hours a day, have 9-to-5 jobs on weekdays, and
this
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 phenomenon makes more
people
Use synonyms
to
Use the right word
too
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 exhausted to make some dishes at home.
As a result
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, they order fast food from some restaurants nearby, because it is more efficient and effective to get a meal. These bad habits could lead to
a
Correct article usage
apply
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several harmful diseases in
a
Correct article usage
the
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 long term consumption
such
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 as diabetes
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 and heart attack.
Secondly
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, the influence of modern devices and social media is significant to make a
detrimental
Correct word choice
significant detrimental
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 effect on physical and psychological conditions. Many
people
Use synonyms
 today are using their smartphones and social media excessively, because of their hustle lives.
For example
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, many youngster or even adults spend their time using their phone to access social media after their activity at school and office rather than doing some physical exercises
such
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 as playing tennis or basketball.
As a result
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, more than 30 per cent of youngsters in Jakarta, the capital city of Indonesia, experienced severe depression and anxiety.
This
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 is because of their bad habits of using smartphones excessively. In conclusion, today's technology and fast foods have become a major cause of
decreasing
Verb problem
the decline in
show examples
 someone's physical and mental health.
Conversely
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 in the past were healthier because of their healthy lifestyle.

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task response
Decide your view clearly. When you first say your position, keep that view in all the rest of the essay.
coherence
Make each paragraph show one main idea that links to your view. Put a clear plan before you write.
coherence
Use simple and correct grammar. Short sentences, check the forms of verbs and preps.
coherence
Use better links between ideas, like 'also', 'but', 'however', 'for example', to move from one idea to the next.
structure
There is a start and end to the piece and a view
content
The topic of fast food and screen use is shown and an idea is given
example
One real place (Jakarta) is used as an example
Topic Vocabulary:
  • 1. Standard of health
  • 2. Average
  • 3. Lower
  • 4. Future
  • 5. Aging population
  • 6. Chronic diseases
  • 7. Sedentary lifestyle
  • 8. Lack of exercise
  • 9. Poor dietary habits
  • 10. Environmental pollution
  • 11. Technological advancements
  • 12. Impact on health
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