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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The pie charts below show the percentage of students on the one adult education centre taking various course offered in 1985 and this year

The pie charts compare the percentage of students taking various
courses
Use synonyms
 in terms of six important categories in 1985 and
this
Linking Words
year
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 now IT takes the largest
proportion
Use synonyms
 of
courses
Use synonyms
 at one adult education
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
;
moreover
Linking Words
, previously
modern
Punctuation problem
, modern
show examples
 languages took the highest
proportion
Use synonyms
 of education. In both pie charts, fitness and dance ranked
second,
Linking Words
and
this
Linking Words
 percentage remained unchanged over the years. In 1985, the greatest
proportion
Use synonyms
 of students attended a modern languages course, which represented 24% in total,
while
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
year
Use synonyms
, the figure for
this
Linking Words
 category was just 17%.
This
Linking Words
year
Use synonyms
, learning IT
courses
Use synonyms
 is taking the largest
proportion
Use synonyms
than
Change preposition
of
show examples
 other
courses
Use synonyms
, at 27%. Meanwhile,
this
Linking Words
year
Use synonyms
 the percentage to
attend
Wrong verb form
attending
show examples
 modern languages was double
lower
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
than
Correct word choice
that
show examples
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 1985, at 17%. In terms of fitness and dance, the percentages of participation for both years were relatively the same, at 22%. Cookery
courses
Use synonyms
 take
third the
Correct word order
the third
show examples
 highest position, namely in 1985 at 14% and
this
Linking Words
year
Use synonyms
 at 19%. In both years, the smallest
proportion
Use synonyms
 of participation was
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 art, local history, and music appreciation.
However
Linking Words
, the lowest of these is music appreciation;
this
Linking Words
 accounted for 8% of the total
taking
Punctuation problem
, taking
show examples
 various
courses
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 the figure for local history represented 15%.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words courses, year, proportion with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "represented" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 5 times.
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