IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The given graph compares global sales of 4 different kinds of digital game, covering 6 years from 2000 to 2006.

The given graph compares global
sales
Use synonyms
 of 4 different kinds of digital
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
, covering 6 years from 2000 to 2006. It is clearly seen that the most used type is “handheld
games
Use synonyms
”.Since the beginning of
time
Use synonyms
, it
had
Verb problem
has had
show examples
 the highest selling position. By the
Use synonyms
end
Punctuation problem
end,
show examples
 where it
also
Linking Words
 reached its peak, it became the most sold gaming platform in
this
Linking Words
 chart.
Although
Linking Words
 Mobile phone
games
Use synonyms
 and Online
games
Use synonyms
 entered the market later, they
also
Linking Words
 gained popularity and steadily increased their profit over the
given
Verb problem
apply
show examples
years
above
Verb problem
mentioned above
show examples
.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 in a certain period of
time
Use synonyms
, Online
games
Use synonyms
 became much more popular and overtook figures for Mobile phone
games
Use synonyms
. 2000 saw a serious demand
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 handheld
games
Use synonyms
. It accumulated about 12billion
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
dollars in
sales
Use synonyms
. Years
after
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 trend saw a
continus
Correct your spelling
continuous
 growth in
sales
Use synonyms
 and hit the peak numbers
about
Change preposition
of about
show examples
 18bln by the
end
Use synonyms
 of the period. Console
games
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 started with a high amount of profit, about 6
billions
Fix the agreement mistake
billion
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
dollars
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the beginning of
time
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 trend has lost its interest and by the
end
Use synonyms
 of
time
Use synonyms
 saw a drastic decrease.
Sales
Use synonyms
 for
this
Linking Words
 figure had reduced by half of the initial amount. About 3
millions
Fix the agreement mistake
million
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
sales
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 was the lowest amount for
this
Linking Words
 particular preference. By the
end
Use synonyms
 of the period , figures for online
games
Use synonyms
 had passed
sales
Use synonyms
 figures for Mobile phone
games
Use synonyms
. In 2005, these two types were very close, less or more 0.5bln from each other
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
Linking Words
Subsequently
Punctuation problem
Subsequently,
show examples
 one passed another and the trend was sold by 9bln annually.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also, however".
▼
Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
▼
Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 100%.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words sales, time, end, games with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "give" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 4 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: