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Writing Samples
Band 2.5

PEOPLE ARE BECOMING MORE AND MORE OBESE. What are the reasons of this problem and how can this be solved?

In recent times, there has been a rise in
obesity
Use synonyms
 among citizens. I will discuss
consicely
Correct your spelling
concisely
 in
this
Linking Words
 essay the major
cause
Use synonyms
 of
this
Linking Words
 problem, and how to effectively handle it.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the leading
cause
Use synonyms
 of
obesity
Use synonyms
 depends on the lifestyle choices of these people.
A scientific
Correct determiner usage
Scientific
show examples
 research conducted in the United
states
Fix capitalization
States
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 on the key factors that
cause
Use synonyms
obesity
Use synonyms
 resulted in the excessive consumption of junk foods.
Conversely
Linking Words
, the excessive consumption of fatty meals leads to a
build up
Use the right word
buildup
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 of glycerol in the body, which develops
overtime
Use the right word
over time
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 to
cause
Use synonyms
obesity
Use synonyms
. More so, those who have a family history of
obesity
Use synonyms
 are more susceptible to becoming obese themselves
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
therefore
Linking Words
, with little to no amount of consumption of junk
foods
Punctuation problem
foods,
show examples
 they can become obese.
Secondly
Linking Words
, to solve
this
Linking Words
 problem, these citizens should engage in daily exercises
such
Linking Words
 as routine walks
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and working out in the gym because it'll help them burn calories, which is beneficial to their health. Progressively, the change in diet is
most
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
show examples
paramount to handle
this
Linking Words
 problem. The populace should change their diet completely by taking meals
such
Linking Words
 as
;
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 vegetable salad,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
fruit salad, food rich in
fibers
Replace the word
fibre
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 and less fatty meals.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
obesity
Use synonyms
 is detrimental to the health of individuals and should be tackled properly through lifestyle changes and routine
work outs
Use the right word
workouts
show examples
.

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Task Response
Your answer sticks to the topic and you give causes and ways to solve. But it needs a clear main idea in the first paragraph and more depth for each point.
Coherence and Cohesion
Link ideas better. Use a clear topic sentence in each paragraph and simple linking words to join ideas.
Language
Fix spelling and grammar. Use shorter, simple sentences and correct common errors.
Organization
Use of sequence markers like First/Secondly/To conclude.
Content
You suggest real answers like more exercise and diet change.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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