IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that children in schools should study a large number of subjects, while others believe it is better for children to focus on a smaller number of subjects. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Nowadays, the
number
Use synonyms
 of
subjects
Use synonyms
 studied in schools has become a significant topic of debate.
Although
Linking Words
 some people think that a large
number
Use synonyms
 of
subjects
Use synonyms
 is beneficial, I firmly believe that focusing on a small
number
Use synonyms
 of
subjects
Use synonyms
 brings clearly more advantages. The following paragraphs will discuss both perspectives. On the one hand, a large
number
Use synonyms
 of
subjects
Use synonyms
is
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 studied by children in schools is a benefit for their future lives and
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, studying different
subjects
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 an early age will help students to gain more information in a variety
fields
Change preposition
of fields
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, in Oman, schools teach them
different eight
Correct word order
eight different
show examples
subjects
Use synonyms
 (academic and arts
subjects
Use synonyms
).
As a result
Linking Words
 will improve their skills
such
Linking Words
 as critical thinking, problem solving, and creativity.
Secondly
Linking Words
, it prepares them for
workforce
Correct article usage
the workforce
show examples
 in the future, as they understand their hobbies and develop themselves.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the more
studying
Replace the word
study
show examples
subjects
Use synonyms
, the higher
knowledge
Correct article usage
the knowledge
show examples
 they have.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, focusing on a few
Use synonyms
number of
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
show examples
subjects
Use synonyms
 can
supports
Wrong verb form
support
show examples
 them in a much better way. It provides relaxation and
reduce
Correct subject-verb agreement
reduces
show examples
 stress.
Thus
Linking Words
, they will enjoy going to school every day.
For example
Linking Words
, kindergarten
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
encourages students to develop their abilities
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 one field
as well as
Linking Words
 explore their hobbies. Meanwhile, it allows them to understand the information more easily without any
confused
Replace the word
confusion
show examples
, compared to
study
Wrong verb form
studying
show examples
 a large
figure
Check wording
number
show examples
 of
subjects
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
study
Replace the word
studying
show examples
 different fields
Change preposition
at in
show examples
in
Use the right word
an
show examples
 early age brings several merits in
long
Correct article usage
the long
show examples
 term, I strongly believe that a
lower
Correct word choice
smaller
show examples
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of
subjects
Use synonyms
 is better for their age. It is a time to explore their abilities and reduce
stressful
Replace the word
stress
show examples
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Response
State your main view clearly in the first paragraph and keep to one main reason per paragraph.
Coherence
Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that shows the main idea.
Coherence
Use linking words to show the order of ideas: first, next, also, but, therefore.
Grammar
Check grammar and use short, simple sentences to be accurate.
Examples/Vocabulary
Give one good example for each point and explain how it supports your idea.
Vocabulary
Choose everyday words and avoid hard or new words unless you know them well.
Positioning
The writer states a clear personal view.
Structure
There is an attempt to discuss both sides.
Presence
Introduction and conclusion are present.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: