IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The charts below give information about players of electronic games in South Korea in 2003.

The three pie charts provide information about
players
Use synonyms
 of electronic
games
Use synonyms
 in South Korea in 2003.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 action-based electronic
games
Use synonyms
 were the most popular, and that the proportion of male
players
Use synonyms
 was considerably higher than that of female
players
Use synonyms
. Looking at the age distribution, the largest group of
players
Use synonyms
 was aged 18-36, accounting for 38% of all
players
Use synonyms
 in South Korea.
In contrast
Linking Words
, those under 18 made up about 23%,
while
Linking Words
players
Use synonyms
 over 36 represented approximately 39%. Regarding the types of
games
Use synonyms
, action
games
Use synonyms
 were the most popular, at around 43%. Sports
games
Use synonyms
 were the second most played, accounting for 20%, slightly more than racing
games
Use synonyms
, which made up 17%.
In addition
Linking Words
, the figure for educational
games
Use synonyms
 and role-playing
games
Use synonyms
 was equally popular, each representing about 7% of participants.
Finally
Linking Words
, in terms of gender, male
players
Use synonyms
 dominated the gaming population, making up approximately 72%,
whereas
Linking Words
 female
players
Use synonyms
 represented only 28%.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 78%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words players, games with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "represented" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 3 times.
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