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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

same people think that having a set retiement age (a.g.65 years ) regardess of occupoation is unfair .they believe that certain workers deserve to retire and recive a pension at an earler age .Do agree or disagree .which type of workers do you think shuold benefit from retiement

People
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 have different views about whether older
people
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 should be allowed to retire early or not. Some believe that early
retirement
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 is beneficial,
while
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 others think older
people
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 should continue working as long as possible. In my opinion, early
retirement
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 should be allowed, but it should be a personal choice rather than a strict rule. On the one hand, early
retirement
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 can be very helpful for older
people
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. As
people
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 age, their physical strength and health may decline. Continuing to work in demanding jobs can be stressful and harmful.
For example
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, an older factory worker or teacher may feel exhausted and face health problems
due to
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 long working hours. Retiring early allows them to rest, focus on their well-being, and spend more time with their families.
In addition
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, early
retirement
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 can create more job opportunities for younger
people
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 who are entering the workforce.
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 argue that older workers should not retire early because they have valuable experience and knowledge. In many fields,
such
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 as education, medicine, and management, experienced employees play an important role.
For instance
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, an older doctor or manager can guide younger colleagues and help an
organization
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organisation
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 grow. If everyone retires early, companies may lose skilled and knowledgeable workers. In conclusion, both sides have strong arguments.
However
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, I believe that early
retirement
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 should be optional. Older
people
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 should have the freedom to decide based on their health, financial situation, and personal preference.
This
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 balanced approach benefits both individuals and society as a whole.

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task response
State your view clearly in the first lines and keep it with you, then use examples to back it.
coherence
Use simple linking words like 'also', 'but', 'for example' to connect ideas.
task response
Give more detail on each idea, not only how it helps but why it matters to people and society.
grammar
Try to use a wider mix of sentence lengths to show range.
task response
The writer gives a clear view at the start.
coherence
There are sign posts like 'On the one hand' and 'In conclusion'
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