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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some parents believe that their children should do educational activities during their free time. Others say that in this way children are under pressure. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

There is an ongoing debate regarding how children should spend their
leisure
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time
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.
While
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 some people argue that they have to engage in academic tasks, others claim that studies , even in their spare
time
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, make them feel stressed. In my opinion, I agree with the latter view, because
such
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time
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 can be utilised for physical activities in order to have better concentration and improved
focus
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.
This
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 essay will discuss both views and my opinion in detail with examples. On the one hand, parents think that children should
focus
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 more on
education
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 in their
leisure
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 hours.
This
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 is mainly because academics are more important for better career prospects in
this
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 competitive world. If students can achieve academic excellence , they will get good placement opportunities for tertiary
education
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.
As a result
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, they would be able to secure a high-income Job with better living standards.
For instance
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, a recent report revealed that even though teens have higher grades, getting placements in the most recognised universities is often challenging.
On the other hand
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, critics argue that continuous
focus
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 on
education
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 makes them feel under pressure.
This
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 means that when kids spend a lot of
time
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 studying, it can lead to mental illness, and
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therefore
Punctuation problem
therefore,
show examples
 they fail to achieve success in
education
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.
In addition
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, if parents force them to do homework or project work, it makes them feel disoriented and causes a lack of motivation.
For example
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, a recent report from
WHO
Correct article usage
the WHO
show examples
 revealed that an average of 45% of anxiety and depression issues are suffered by young people before the age of 16, and many believe that it is
due to
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 academic pressure. From my perspective, I strongly agree that young people should have enough
leisure
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time
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 to reduce their educational stress. They should be motivated to take part in physical activities in order to improve their concentration and soft skills. In conclusion,
although
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 some advocates believe that children should
focus
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 only on
education
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 even in
free
Correct pronoun usage
their free
show examples
time
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, I believe that
such
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 actions will have an impact on
the
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 mental well-being. In my opinion, I agree that
such
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 behaviour causes mental stress , and they should engage in other activities in their
leisure
Use synonyms
time
Use synonyms
.

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organization
You discuss both sides and give your view. Try to make your main idea clearer in every paragraph.
grammar
Some long sentences can be split. Shorter sentences help the reader and your grammar.
cohesion
Use linking words to show how ideas are tied. This helps the flow of your essay.
content
Give more exact and clear examples that directly support your point.
conclusion
Your conclusion repeats points. It can sum up the main ideas in a short way.
stance
You take a clear stance and keep it through the essay.
content
You show awareness of more than one side and give reasoning.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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