Too much emphasis is given to the education of students. More government money should be spent on free-time activities for young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Recently, academic study has been excessively emphasised, so the government should allocate more funding to leisure activities for young
people
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. From my perspective, governments should prioritise recreational programmes for young
people
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.
To begin
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with, leisure activities help youth develop important life
skills
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that academic study alone cannot provide. By joining sports teams, volunteering, or hobby clubs, young
people
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can improve
skills
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such
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as teamwork, communication, and problem-solving.
For example
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, joining a sports team teaches
students
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how to cooperate with others and manage pressure. These
skills
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are essential for adult life and future employment.
In addition
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,
although
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academic achievement is important, too much studying can cause stress and reduce
students
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’ interest in learning. When teenagers are under exam pressure, they may feel stressed and mentally tired. Without enough time to relax or enjoy hobbies,
students
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can lose motivation and become less focused in class.
Therefore
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, investing in recreational programmes can help the young generation become mentally healthy and socially capable individuals.
On the other hand
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, some
people
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argued that education plays a crucial role in the holistic development of young
people
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. A well-funded education system provides
students
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with essential academic
skills
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, including literacy, numeracy, and critical thinking, which are crucial for long-term employment prospects.
Furthermore
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, public investment in schools helps reduce educational disparity by giving all
students
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access to qualified teachers and learning materials, which leads to higher levels of knowledge acquisition among
students
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. In conclusion,
although
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academic education is essential for the future of young generations, too much focus on studying can have negative effects on their mental health and motivation.
Therefore
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, I believe that governments should invest more money in recreational pursuits, as these programmes help youth relax, develop useful life
skills
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, and maintain a better work-life balance.

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content
Add more real life examples to back your points.
coherence
Use clear links to show order and contrast between ideas.
grammar
Use short, simple sentences and check grammar for smooth flow.
lexis
Choose common words so you use top 100 easy words.
strength
The view is clear and you state it in the intro.
coherence
Good use of sign words like 'To begin with', 'On the other hand', 'In conclusion'.
structure
Well-structured with three parts: intro, body, and conclusion.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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