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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Most people today communicate using mobile phones and computers, and this has affected their need to meet face- to- face. Do the advantages of this development outweigh its disadvantage

Due to
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 the advancements in
technology
Add a comma
technology,
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 many
people
Use synonyms
 prefer online communications
instead
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 of meeting
in-person
Use the right word
in person
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.
This
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 trend has many significant advantages in terms of connecting with
people
Use synonyms
 on social networks,
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also it has
Correct word order
it has also
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 brought some disadvantages
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as reduced physical interaction, which impacts social integration.
This
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 essay will discuss both the advantages and disadvantages before reaching a conclusion. On the one hand,
a
Correct article usage
apply
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rapid advancements in technology
encourages
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourage
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people
Use synonyms
 to communicate online because it provides a sense of convenience. 
People
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 use computers and cell phones to keep or make friends online from all over the world, as it allows them
stay
Verb problem
to stay
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connnnected
Correct your spelling
connected
 regardless of time and distance.
Additionally
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,
such
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 a trend provides an opportunity to disclose personal information and respond to networks socially.
For instance
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, an investigation revealed that an average of 75% of adults prefer interactions using cell phones, as they can communicate efficiently in all situations.
On the other hand
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,
this
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 trend lowers face-to-face communication
Punctuation problem
, that
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that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 impacts the integration of society.
In other words
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, advocates are not comfortable in making real-life connections because they forget their importance
of
Change preposition
in
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 being a part of
a
Correct article usage
apply
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society.
Furthermore
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, since
people
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 are often connected using cellphones and other social media networks, it has lowered the need
of
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for
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 personal interaction.
As a result
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, they are less integrated
in
Change preposition
into
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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society.
For example
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, a recent study revealed that social media has significantly increased the online presence of
people
Use synonyms
 as they have access to worldwide
web
Use the right word
Wide Web
show examples
 on their smartphones and computers. From my perspective, technology is advancing
is
Use the right word
in
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 all spheres.
Thus
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, it has reduced the need
of
Change preposition
for
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 personal communication as
people
Use synonyms
 have access to
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
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 and
electric
Use the right word
electronic
show examples
 devices, which provides a sense of convenience that past generations could hardly imagine. In conclusion,
although
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people
Use synonyms
 have differing opinions on online and personal communications, I
belive
Use the right word
believe
show examples
 that mobile phones and computers have
revolutionized
Change the spelling
revolutionised
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 the way we communicate
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 it has reduced the need
of face -to-face
Use the right word
for face-to-face
show examples
 communication as
people
Use synonyms
 prefer to stay online and connected via
such
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 electronic devices.
Hence
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, the advantages outweigh its drawbacks.

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task
Give a clear answer to the question in the first or second sentence.
task
Add stronger, real examples and explain why they show the point.
coherence
Use linking words to move from one idea to the next.
grammar
Check grammar and spelling to make the sense clear.
structure
Clear overall plan with introduction, body, view, and conclusion.
content
They show both sides and also give a personal view.
content
There is a good attempt to use examples from tech and online talk.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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