IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The increase in obesity and related health problems has led many people to believe that fast food should be heavily taxed. Do you agree or disagree?

There is a popular view that the consumption of fast
food
Use synonyms
resulted
Verb problem
has resulted
show examples
 in an increase in
obesity
Use synonyms
 and other associated
health
Use synonyms
 issues.
For
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 reason, many
people
Use synonyms
 argue that fast
food
Use synonyms
 should be taxed more heavily. I disagree with
this
Linking Words
 perspective since it is the lack of self-control, sedentary
lifestyle
Use synonyms
, and lack of
health
Use synonyms
 education that led to the
obesity
Use synonyms
 epidemic. Fast
food
Use synonyms
 should not be blamed for
people
Use synonyms
’s
health
Use synonyms
 issues all the time because
people
Use synonyms
 are not forced to eat it. Consumption of burgers, hot dogs, and similar products is a personal choice that a human makes consciously.
Thus
Linking Words
, there is a difference between a person eating fast
food
Use synonyms
 1-2 times a week and
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 person doing it on a daily basis.
This
Linking Words
also
Linking Words
 means it is the ability to control one’s choices that determines
health
Use synonyms
 conditions, which is an obvious but reasonable way to explain why some
people
Use synonyms
 are obese
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 others are not. A sedentary
lifestyle
Use synonyms
 is another major contributor to rising
obesity
Use synonyms
 rates.
Due to
Linking Words
 the proliferation of social media, video games, and other online conveniences,
people
Use synonyms
 are less likely to lead an active
lifestyle
Use synonyms
. Many
people
Use synonyms
, including teenagers, prefer staying indoors and may avoid exercise.
This
Linking Words
 inactive
lifestyle
Use synonyms
 becomes a habit after some time, keeping
people
Use synonyms
 away from being in shape. The consumption of fast
food
Use synonyms
 is common for
people
Use synonyms
 leading
this
Linking Words
lifestyle
Use synonyms
.
Instead
Linking Words
 of taxing businesses, governments could
Linking Words
instead
Rephrase
apply
show examples
improve
health
Use synonyms
 education in their respective regions. Specific subjects in schools, events related to
health
Use synonyms
, and social media campaigns could all be effective in teaching the younger generation about
health
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 can
also
Linking Words
 nurture the culture of preventive healthcare where
people
Use synonyms
 try to lead a healthy
lifestyle
Use synonyms
, which includes a balanced diet, exercising, and disapproving
unhealthy
Change preposition
of unhealthy
show examples
 habits. Governmental effort in promoting
health
Use synonyms
 education can
therefore
Linking Words
 teach
people
Use synonyms
 from a young age
Linking Words
instead
Punctuation problem
, instead
show examples
 of spending too much money on their treatment later in life. In conclusion, it is not the fast
food
Use synonyms
 that led to the
increases
Fix the agreement mistake
increase
show examples
 in
obesity
Use synonyms
 but other reasons, which should be addressed. Simply making fast
food
Use synonyms
 expensive is not rational enough.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task response
State your view in the first sentence and keep it steady.
Task response
Give more strong reasons and explain how fast food change body health and more on tax effect.
Coherence and cohesion
Make a clear plan. Put one idea in each paragraph with a topic sentence.
Coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words to join ideas so the notes flow.
Task response
Add a short intro and a short conclusion that restate your view.
Task response
Use one clear example for each idea and explain it.
Task response
Clear view on the topic.
Coherence and cohesion
Good use of link words like Thus and Instead.
Task response
Examples show how often fast food is eaten.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: