IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people feel that it is always wrong to keep animals in captivity, for instance in zoos. Other people say that there are benefits for the animals and for humans. Discuss both sides of this debate, and give your personal view. You should give reasons for your answer, and include ideas and examples from your own knowledge and experience.

In my opinion,
animals
Use synonyms
 can feel themselves differently in both situations. It can depend on the conditions. Mostly
animals
Use synonyms
 feel okay
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 if their owner who actually cares about them and does everything for their comfort. Unfortunately,
animals
Use synonyms
 can sometimes have terrible owner who never cares about them and could even
beatthem
Correct your spelling
beat them
, so
that is
Linking Words
 terrifying and awful.
People
Use synonyms
 who keep their creatures in a cage have different ways, but why are they doing it? First of all, I would like to talk about bad owners. Usually, they keep their
animals
Use synonyms
 for their own good.
Animals
Use synonyms
 can bring them income from watching by the customers who pay to look at them. From my experience, I can remember
animals
Use synonyms
 from the circus. Almost all circuses disturb
animals
Use synonyms
 and beat them
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 if they
didn’t
Wrong verb form
don’t
show examples
 perform fine enough. I have seen that woman who has been working in the circus, was punching bears in the cage, because they didn’t dance well enough. Hopefully, in the future, we won’t have
people
Use synonyms
 like
this
Linking Words
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, not all owners keep
animals
Use synonyms
 for money or glory. Some
people
Use synonyms
 actually
cares
Correct subject-verb agreement
care
show examples
 about them and try to keep their comfort, so that’s an example of how we should get
along with
Linking Words
animals
Use synonyms
. Zoos keep
animals
Use synonyms
 in captivity
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 cause they can’t live in the wild or survive there. One of the reasons that
animals
Use synonyms
 could be born in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
zoos or have been bred by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
workers, so they just can’t live in wild conditions. Dogs are
animals
Use synonyms
 which can live in good conditions only with a human. If they were in natural habitats, they wouldn’t survive or live as great as with
people
Use synonyms
. If you want to own an animal, you are supposed to know what is good for it and how you should get
along with
Linking Words
 it.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
State your view clearly in the intro or last paragraph and give a short conclusion that says your own view. Add more clear examples to show your point.
structure
Make the plan before you write. Use 3 body parts: view on captivity, view on care, and overall view. Then finish with a clear end.
coherence
Each paragraph should have one main idea. Use topic sentences to show this idea.
coherence
Use linking words to show the order: first, also, but, finally. Check how each sentence connects to the one before.
grammar
Use simple and correct words. Avoid hard phrases. Check grammar in small parts: verbs, plurals, and word choice.
ideas
The writer gives a personal view and uses real examples like circus bears to show harm.
content
There is some balance on two sides and an aim to tell what should be done.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • captivity
  • zoos
  • animal rights
  • conservation
  • rehabilitation
  • sanctuary
  • ethical considerations
  • natural habitat
  • psychological well-being
  • endangered species
  • educational programs
  • animal welfare
  • exploitation
  • human superiority
  • wildlife preservation
  • abnormal behaviors
What to do next:
Look at other essays: