IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

More and more people today are spending large amounts of money to look younger. Why do people want to look younger? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

Nowadays , a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
people
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 spend money to look younger. They are using a
lot
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 of products,
cosmetics
Fix the agreement mistake
cosmetic
show examples
 procedures and do
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
surgeries
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 to look better. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 it has two sides, positive and negative. On the one hand,
surgeries
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 and cosmetic products give a chance to look better and younger. You may look better after surgery, maybe change the skin, change
eyes
Correct article usage
the eyes
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, lips and other things. The reason why it can happen because it can be related to work. In some
jobs
Add a comma
jobs,
show examples
 you have to look younger and attractive because of demand from other
people
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, some
people
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 need to wear
suit
Fix the agreement mistake
suits
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 or street style clothes and every time make different
make up
Use the right word
make-up
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 because of demand. The positive side of looking younger is that
people
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’s mental health can be improved. By wearing
make up
Use the right word
make-up
show examples
 or
suit
Correct article usage
a suit
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some
Punctuation problem
, some
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people
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 can build their confidence,
also
Linking Words
 through beauty
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people
Punctuation problem
, people
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 can express something. Another positive thing is that for employers, a new field opens . They start new businesses
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they can achieve
the
Correct article usage
apply
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profit,
while
Linking Words
 for individuals
new
Punctuation problem
, new
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 jobs are created. It is
great
Correct article usage
a great
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 job sector for
earn
Wrong verb form
earning
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 money, the income is high, a
lot
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 of visitors will come, high demand for
this
Linking Words
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
 , it
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
also
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 has disadvantages.
For
Linking Words
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 it can lead to health problems
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 if
people
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do
Verb problem
undergo
show examples
a
lot
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 of
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surgeries
Punctuation problem
surgeries,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 may not be without consequences. Skin
surgeries
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 can lead to cancer, or other
surgeries
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 can lead to different types of diseases, injuries. It can
also
Linking Words
 lead to mental problems
,
Punctuation problem
. Sometimes
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sometimes
Punctuation problem
sometimes,
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 individuals want to become more and
more
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
show examples
better
so
Punctuation problem
, so
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 they can overthink about that. Maybe they will have depression or other mental problems In conclusion, I agree with the statement
where
Correct word choice
that
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people
Use synonyms
 want to look younger
it
Punctuation problem
; it
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 is a good thing .Individuals can create
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
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 business, and build confidence .
However
Linking Words
, it has many disadvantages

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task response
Give a clear view in the end and keep the same view in all parts.
coherence
Start each paragraph with a clear idea sentence and keep to one main point.
coherence
Use simple linking words to show how ideas fit together.
content
The writer shows both sides of the topic.
content
Some ideas are linked to real needs like work and self confidence.
structure
The essay uses 'on the one hand' and 'on the other hand' to show balance.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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