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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

More and more people today are spending large amounts of money to look younger. Why do people want to look younger? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

5.5 / 9
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Introduction
Nowadays, many
people
Use synonyms
 are trying to hide their senility by spending lots of money on
plastic
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surgeons
Punctuation problem
surgeons,
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 as it's a widespread trend. I think
that is
Linking Words
 a negative development on account of its adverse consequences, though I am aware of its benefits to increase self-confidence.
Body paragraph 1
The first reason for
this
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 is that it's becoming trendy. Many celebrities do lots of
plastic
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surgery
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 to look perfect. So many fans admire them and try to look like them.
As a result
Linking Words
, it greatly influences ordinary
people
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 as well, and they try to have several
plastic
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 surgeries to become similar to famous
people
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 and look younger.
Secondly
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, many
people
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 start to feel confident after getting rid of complexes about themselves with the help of surgeons.
For example
Linking Words
, one woman in the USA underwent
plastic
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 surgeries
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 consisted of several stages
because
Punctuation problem
, because
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 of negative opinions about her appearance from family members.
Therefore
Linking Words
, many
people
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 try to change
due to
Linking Words
 external factors.
Body paragraph 2
Although
Linking Words
 it helps to look younger and
beautiful
Rephrase
more beautiful
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,
this
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 may have more negative consequences
compared to
Correct word choice
than
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 benefits. A recovery process after
surgery
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 may be difficult for some
people
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 because of their organism.
For instance
Linking Words
, some patients might have a deficiency of vital supplements or illnesses
such
Linking Words
 as diabetes, which makes the healing process more difficult.
Thus
Linking Words
,
people
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 should have
plastic
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surgery
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 after being aware of all its benefits and detrimental effects.
Conclusion
In conclusion, nowadays many
people
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 try to look younger rather than their real age by having
plastic
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 operations and spending a
big
Correct word choice
large
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 amount of money, as it is becoming a widespread trend and helps them to be confident.
However
Linking Words
, it might have a negative impact on their body if they do it without preparing their body for
surgery
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. Because of these reasons, I consider it a negative trend.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question. To make your view stronger, explain more fully why looking young is important to people, such as fear of getting old, work pressure, or social media.
task response
Your main view is clear: you see this as a negative trend. However, the main negative point is mostly about health after surgery. Add other wider bad effects, for example money problems, pressure to look perfect, or low self-worth.
task response
Some ideas need more support. The example of a woman in the USA is very general. Give a clearer, more believable example, or explain exactly how family comments led to her choice.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, body, and end. The order is mostly easy to follow: reasons for the trend first, then your view of its effects.
coherence and cohesion
The first body paragraph mixes two ideas: people copy famous people, and surgery can raise confidence. Consider using one paragraph for social pressure and one for confidence and its limits.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as “So”, “As a result”, and “Therefore” help, but sometimes the link is not fully clear. Make sure each link shows the exact cause or result.
coherence and cohesion
Keep key words the same where possible. For example, use “plastic surgery” rather than changing between “plastic surgeons”, “plastic surgeries”, and “plastic operations” when you mean the same thing.
task response
Your opinion is stated clearly in the introduction and repeated in the conclusion, so the reader can easily understand your position.
task response
You include both sides: more confidence as a possible good point and health risks as a bad point.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction gives a clear topic and view, and the conclusion brings the main ideas together.
coherence and cohesion
Paragraphs are used well, and each paragraph has a main focus.
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