The graph below shows the average monthly change in the prices of three metals during 2014.

Due to
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the evolution of medicine, people from all over the world are now living much longer than before. I believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages since an experienced society is more important than one where money or the economy matters more.
This
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is why one point in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
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of the elderly is their experiences
and
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, and
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the point against
the
Verb problem
is the
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wealth they cost. Old people are gaining more and more importance in many countries lately
,
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;
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this
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is the result of advances in medicine. These individuals bring to our society an experienced point of view
thanks
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, thanks
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to the sometimes difficult situations that they experienced when they were children
and
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, and
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teach us not to make the same mistakes as
them
Correct pronoun usage
they
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.
Verb problem
did.
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For example
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, when I was
little
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little,
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I lived in a town surrounded by old-age individuals
and
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, and
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their stories and experiences have helped me make better decisions.
However
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, a disadvantage is the money
this
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part of the population costs the state and the government. Given their advanced
age
Add a comma
age,
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they no longer work, so they do not contribute economic wealth to the country.
In addition
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, the state pays them pensions during their old age so that they can have some money to live on.
For example
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, a study carried out by the University of Economics of Madrid states that pensions for the elderly represent an expense twice as high as that of education in Spain. In conclusion, even if it costs the government a lot to support older people, the fact that they can help with their experience makes the disadvantage much smaller.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "for example".
Introduction: The introduction is missing.
Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Basic structure: Change the first paragraph.
Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
Vocabulary: Only 2 basic words for charts were used.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the first paragraph.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • average monthly change
  • prices of metals
  • trend
  • spike
  • fluctuation
  • increase
  • decrease
  • sharp rise
  • sharp fall
  • stability
  • volatility
  • data points
  • comparison
  • contrast
  • external factors
  • influences
  • market dynamics
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