IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that children should learn to paint and draw. Others believe that is a waste of time. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

It is often suggested that
children
Use synonyms
 should develop hobbies, not
spending
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 all of their
time
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
studying for exams.
However
Linking Words
, "Hobbies like painting and drawing are a waste of
time
Use synonyms
.
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
" is
also
Linking Words
 a popular opinion. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will be discussing both views and
provde
Correct your spelling
provide
 my own opinion on the subject. Learning to
paint
Use synonyms
 and draw can cultivate
children
Use synonyms
's whole-person development
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 cannot be
cutivated
Correct your spelling
cultivated
 with homework and assignments. Painting and drawing are very good hobbies for
students
Use synonyms
 as they are given an activity to utilise their creativity and express themselves in a fun and engaging way. In modern schools,
espcially
Correct your spelling
especially
 in Asia,
students
Use synonyms
 face piles of classwork and homework from school. These often revolve around finishing exercise books that come with model answers. Working and growing in
such
Linking Words
environment
Correct article usage
an environment
show examples
 can be exhausting to
children
Use synonyms
 mentally.
However
Linking Words
, there are no model answers in painting and drawing.
Students
Use synonyms
 can enjoy expressing the inner worlds within their heads in their own manner.
Activties
Correct your spelling
Activities
 like
such
Linking Words
 not only nurture
students
Use synonyms
' creativity, which is a big advantage in the 21st century
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 they
also
Linking Words
 provide
students
Use synonyms
 with a way to relieve their academic stress, making
burn-out
Use the right word
burnout
show examples
 less likely to happen and ultimately
boost
Wrong verb form
boosting
show examples
 their academic results. Learning to
paint
Use synonyms
 and draw is meaningless and resource-consuming to many families.
Although
Linking Words
 learning to
paint
Use synonyms
 and draw can definitely be beneficial to
children
Use synonyms
's
all-round
Use the right word
all-around
show examples
 growth. In many Asian
societes
Correct your spelling
societies
, they can possibly be unaffordable. Most Asian societies' expectation
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 kids is for them to get impressive grades at school and exams, which can be essential for them to be qualified for a high-paying and stable job in the future. To achieve said expectation,
Use synonyms
students
Check wording
students'
show examples
 biggest purpose is to excel in their academics. Ironically, the reality
also
Linking Words
 seems to prove that grades come first. If your academic results are not incredible, it is extremely difficult for you to study in a university or college program that rewards
with
Correct pronoun usage
you with
show examples
 an expertise that allows you to apply for a high-end occupation.
Therefore
Linking Words
, learning to
paint
Use synonyms
 and draw not only consumes
time
Use synonyms
 reserved for revision,
it
Correct word choice
but it
show examples
also
Linking Words
 reduces the family's funds prepared for
children
Use synonyms
 to study even more in cram schools or tutorial classes.
Hence
Linking Words
, the cost of
time
Use synonyms
 and finance is
significant
Correct word choice
high
show examples
. The significance lies in the parents'
expectation
Fix the agreement mistake
expectations
show examples
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the
children
Use synonyms
. In my opinion, the process of learning to
paint
Use synonyms
 and draw can be incredibly beneficial to
Use synonyms
children
Check wording
children's
show examples
 mental health and
grow
Replace the word
growth
show examples
. If
they
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 parents have the resources to cover the cost of that, or even if they just want their
children
Use synonyms
 to have happy childhoods,
then
Linking Words
 I would say having them
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
learn painting and drawing is an amazing idea.
However
Linking Words
, if the family lacks resources and
desparately
Correct your spelling
desperately
 needs the
Use synonyms
children
Check wording
children's
show examples
 achievements to increase their social fluidity, I would say learning to
paint
Use synonyms
 and draw could be a waste of
time
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
Plan your essay in four parts: introduction, view one, view two, and your own view with a short ending. Each part should have one main idea.
grammar
Use simple grammar. Make short sentences. Read aloud to find hard parts.
coherence
Use linking words to show how ideas are tied. Use words like first, then, also, but, so.
content
Give one clear example for each point. This makes your view stronger.
grammar
Check spelling and punctuation. Fix mistakes so reading is easy.
content
The essay shows both sides and a clear own view.
content
There are real ideas about exams and stress.
structure
The idea of balance is clear in the plan of the essay.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • fine motor skills
  • creative activities
  • imaginative thinking
  • practical skills
  • academic activities
  • broad range of activities
  • latent talents
  • holistic development
  • mandatory arts education
  • innovative thinking
  • education
  • curriculum
  • inherent interest
  • well-rounded education
  • disengagement
  • resentment
  • introducing children
  • beneficial
  • fields beyond the arts
  • latent talents and interests
What to do next:
Look at other essays: