IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that electronic devices and the internet have made printed books, newspapers, and magazines unnecessary. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In
this
Linking Words
 modern day and
age
Use synonyms
, electronic
devices
Use synonyms
 have profoundly made our
lives
Use synonyms
 easier. A significant number of folk these days rely on desktops and electronic
devices
Use synonyms
 to
access
Use synonyms
 the readily available
information
Use synonyms
 ,
due to
Linking Words
 which it is argued that there is no more
need
Correct article usage
a need
show examples
 for paper
books
Use synonyms
,
newspapers
Use synonyms
 and
magazines
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 firmly disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because if children are made accessible to electronic
devices
Use synonyms
 for a longer period of time, it can have detrimental effects on children's
health
Use synonyms
 in the long run ,
as well as
Linking Words
 some
people
Use synonyms
 of different
age
Use synonyms
 groups can find it daunting to
access
Use synonyms
 the
information
Use synonyms
 online.
Firstly
Linking Words
, computers and the internet have made it easier to learn and
access
Use synonyms
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
information
Use synonyms
 online.
However
Linking Words
, if
people
Use synonyms
 solely rely on
information
Use synonyms
that is
Linking Words
 available online and spend a longer period of time on these
devices
Use synonyms
, it can significantly affect their
health
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, as youngsters usually spend hours studying or working on their desktops and if they
also
Linking Words
 start reading
books
Use synonyms
, or keeping track of the news online, it could affect their eyesight and mental
health
Use synonyms
 , as their mind will start feeling exhausted from looking at the screen for too long.
Therefore
Linking Words
, paper
books
Use synonyms
,
magazines
Use synonyms
 or
newspapers
Use synonyms
 can be a great source to help them relax and unwind
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
after a long day on screens.
Secondly
Linking Words
, undoubtedly
accessing
Punctuation problem
, accessing
show examples
information
Use synonyms
 online helps a person to stay up to date with the current
information
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
, it could be a demanding task for some
people
Use synonyms
 to
access
Use synonyms
 it.
For instance
Linking Words
,
old
Use the right word
older
show examples
age
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
 who prefer to live a sedentary lifestyle may find it difficult or troublesome to learn
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
how to operate the advanced electronic gadgets or having
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
weak eyesight
due to
Linking Words
 their old
age
Use synonyms
 can make it hard for them to focus on screens and may
further
Linking Words
 add
up
Change preposition
apply
show examples
to their other
health
Use synonyms
 issues. Owing to
this
Linking Words
, a lot of elderly
people
Use synonyms
 still prefer reading
newspapers
Use synonyms
 or
reading
Verb problem
apply
show examples
printed
books
Use synonyms
 in their ideal time.
Therefore
Linking Words
 , no more use of
paperbooks
Correct your spelling
paper books
,
magazines
Use synonyms
 and
newspapers
Use synonyms
 could be a bad idea and end up having a noticeable change on some
people
Use synonyms
's
lives
Use synonyms
. To summarise, relying on
information
Use synonyms
 online does help
people
Use synonyms
 to have
access
Use synonyms
 without much effort.
However
Linking Words
, spending hours on screens can affect their
health
Use synonyms
 in the long run
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
and it can
also
Linking Words
 be hard for older
people
Use synonyms
 to learn how to operate
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 desktop and
access
Use synonyms
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
information
Use synonyms
. As
newspapers
Use synonyms
,
magazines
Use synonyms
 and paperbooks play a crucial role in some
people
Use synonyms
's
Use synonyms
lives
Punctuation problem
lives,
show examples
 as
these
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 make their
lives
Use synonyms
 easier and stress-free .

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task
Make your main point clear in the first sentence and restate it at the end.
coherence
Put each idea in its own paragraph with a clear topic sentence.
grammar
Use shorter sentences and fix long run-on lines and punctuation.
content
Give more concrete examples or facts to back your claims.
stance
The writer shows a clear view that printed books still have value.
structure
There are phrases that show order like First/Secondly/Therefore.
structure
There is an introduction and a concluding summary.
content
Health and age examples link to the idea well.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: