IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that music is a good way of bringing people of different backgrounds together. Do you agree or disagree?

Many
people
Use synonyms
 think that
music
Use synonyms
 is an incredible way of connecting individuals of diverse cultures, ages and ethnicities. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 sentiment because I believe that
music
Use synonyms
 has universal appeal and fandoms create a sense of community.
Music
Use synonyms
 is a universal way of bringing
people
Use synonyms
 together. Beats, tunes and rhythm transcend the language barrier.
This
Linking Words
 is why
people
Use synonyms
 from diverse demographics can groove along even though they don't speak the same language.
For instance
Linking Words
, K-pop has recently seen a significant growth in popularity outside of South Korea. A concert in New York featuring the girl group will attract audiences of many different ages, ethnicities and religions. A quick glance at the arena would demonstrate the influence of the Korean aesthetic through outfits, makeup and hairstyles. Fandoms create a sense of community. Artists are able to create a shared emotional experience which connects them to their fandom , but more importantly, connects their fans to each other despite their diversity. Taylor Swift fans , famously known as "Swifties",are a perfect example. The vulnerability of her lyrics appeals to a 16-year-old as much as a 60-year-old when they're belting a song at her concert, at a party, in the car or even at a wedding.
This
Linking Words
 demonstrates that
people
Use synonyms
 of all ages are able to relate to a song that they love and share that experience with others, sometimes not having much else in common. In conclusion, I agree with
people
Use synonyms
 who believe that
music
Use synonyms
 brings communities together through universal rhythm and fan groups transcending their cultural and ethnic barriers.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence
Use more linking words to move from one idea to another. This helps the flow.
coherence
Shorten long sentences so your point is clear. Simple words help the reader.
content
Add one more idea about why music can bring people together, with a simple example.
strength
Clear view that music can unite people of many ages and cultures.
strength
Good choice of examples (K-pop and Swifties) to show the point.
strength
Organisation is present with intro, body and conclusion.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: